By Eric George Tauber
(he, him, his)
SAN DIEGO — Splashed all over the news was this weekend’s Pride Parade. What began as a riot in 1969 is now a celebration with municipal support and corporate sponsorship. With roughly 300,000 participants, San Diego has one of the largest in the world.
Less publicized was the Trans-Pride Festival, which took place on the Friday before. I wanted to go because two very dear friends have come out to me as trans. Mired in my own prejudice, I had difficulty wrapping my head around this. How can your “authentic self” require hormone treatments and reconstructive surgeries? So I’m afraid I said some things that weren’t appreciated. In order to heal the rift, it was time to get out of my comfort zone, meet these people on their own terms and get an education.
Trans protocol includes introducing yourself with your preferred pronouns, so these are included.
Donna Chapman (she/ her/ hers) is a family therapist, the owner and operator of Donna Chapman Psychotherapy.
EGT: Coming out as queer, trans, whatever can complicate family relationships. What can you do to heal those rifts?
Chapman: The best way to heal those rifts in my opinion is to allow space for everyone to feel what they need to feel as they are affected by what’s happening. When one person announces that they’re going to transition, everyone transitions too, whether they like it or not. And to have a space to express that, to be heard and understood allows a settling and healing and opens up the possibility of understanding and repair.
EGT: The reason I’m here is that two dear friends have come out to be as trans. And I must admit I said some insensitive things because it’s very confusing. I felt like one of them expected me to just flip a switch and change my concept of the person I thought I had known for years. And that’s not fair to me.
Chapman: That’s not fair to you. That’s why I’m talking about making the space. Sometimes the space needs to be made with a safe person to talk to and that’s not the trans person. They’ve been thinking about this for years, but it’s the first you’re hearing about it. There’s time to breathe and time to express and time to process. How we do that is we use conventional therapy that works with everyone.
Sporting a purple kippah, Abigail Weissman, PsyD (she/her/ hers) is a psychologist and owner of a group practice in Poway called Waves, a Psychological Corporation.
EGT: Is there anything specific about being Jewish and trans?
Abi: Like everything, it depends on the Jew. Two Jews, nine thousand opinions. … We’re People of the Book. Most of the people I work with use books to help them get by and having the written word is helpful for them. Knowing that we’re Jewish-friendly is imperative. I don’t work on the Sabbath as most services do. …Being recognizably Jewish is important too. I have a rainbow mezuzah on my door. I have an all-gender bathroom with a sign made by Keshet, a gay-Jewish organization out of Boston. That’s very important and affirming for people.
Trans-gender troops have come under fire. The end of Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell in 2011 allowed LGB personnel to serve openly, but the Ts had to wait until 2016. Then the current administration reversed that policy. I spoke with Angela (trans-woman, she/her/hers) and Tristan (trans-man, he/him/his) of the Transgender Military Group.
Tristan: Everybody in my command was amazingly supportive and had no problem with my identity. I did my job. They called me by my chosen name and pronouns. They were very receptive. … We heard rumors that [the policy] was going to change back and when it did, it was really disheartening.
Angela: The military’s thing is if you can show up and do your job well, they really don’t care. At least that’s my experience.
Kathy Moehlig (she/her/hers) is the Executive Director of Trans Family Support Services.
KM: I have a son who started his transition over seven years ago. And back then the average household didn’t know the word. There were little to no resources.
EGT: What difficulties did you have with the adjustment when the person you thought was your little girl wasn’t?
KM: So, my (eleven year old) son Sam had gone to a very deep, dark place. When we found the word transgender and realized that’s what was going on here, I didn’t have the same trajectory with grieving for a child because, to me, this was the answer to keep my child alive. So there was no way I wasn’t going to go down the road that he needed us to go down to keep my child alive and affirm him.
Sam: I was nine when things started to go downhill. I was housebound for two years. I was on suicide watch. My mom had to give up her job to stay home with me because if I was left alone, I probably wouldn’t be alive when my mother got back from work. My two years were filled with anxiety, depression, self-harm and suicidal thoughts. I lost the point of living. My body was betraying me. I didn’t want to live in a body that wasn’t mine. … When my mom came across the word transgender and showed it to me, I never hugged her harder. I said, “Mom, this is me. Yes. Yes. Yes.” … I began my medical transition three months after that. … I’ve just been happy since. It’s nice to finally look at my body, say that I love myself and mean it.
Not every trans kid is so fortunate to have a super-mom like Kathie. I spoke with Tyler, a teenage trans-boy (he/him/his) who flew in from Ohio for this festival.
EGT: Now you were born female and you’re in transition to male. How did your parents take it?
Tyler: Not very well. I try not to let it bother me. … They were the type of parents to pull out Bible verses, and the whole “How did I fail as a parent?” and “You killed my daughter.” … When I tried to kill myself [overdosing on Tylenol] my mother said, “How could you do this me?” … But they’re my parents. I’ll love them no matter what. I’m their kid. There’s no changing that.
The experience was definitely a step out of my comfort zone as I was definitely an outsider looking in, but that’s how we grow. Listening to their stories, my heart was moved and we shared a few hugs. And that is how we love our neighbors as ourselves.
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Tauber is a freelance writer based in San Diego. He may be contacted via eric.tauber@sdjewishworld.com