Fifth in a series
ABOARD MS ROTTERDAM—The first cruise ship joke I ever heard was about the captain of the famous large ocean liner who had the unusual custom of retreating to his cabin at exactly 12 noon every day, opening his desk drawer, looking at something therein, mumbling to himself, closing and locking the desk drawer, and then returning to the bridge.
No one, not even his trusted cabin steward, knew what was within the drawer. Speculation ran from the profane to the sacred. Among the guesses: Inside the drawer was a picture of his girlfriend! No, his wife! No, his family members! No, it was a prayer he said on behalf of the passengers and crew! No, it was…. The guesses kept multiplying.
Finally, it was time for the famous ocean liner to be taken out of service. On the ship’s very last voyage, the trusted cabin steward could contain himself no longer. One afternoon, after the captain had returned to the bridge, the steward picked the lock of the drawer, opened it, and saw that there was an important message written on a piece of paper taped to the bottom: “Port-left, starboard-right.”
On a cruise aboard the MS Rotterdam, comedian Lee Bayless found humor in the exemplary service cabin stewards provide to passengers. Whether it is making towel animals for the passengers’ enjoyment, putting candies on the bed at nighttime, or carefully triangulating the beginning of the toilet paper roll, the steward continually resupplies the cabins and their bathrooms with orderliness and whimsy.
Bayless told passengers he also had been folding the toilet paper back into triangles, making his cabin steward become very concerned for his health. “Oh, this poor passenger never goes to the toilet!” he assumed the steward must have thought. He wouldn’t have been surprised if suddenly along with his nighttime chocolates, a discreet glass of prune juice also were put out for him.
On one cruise line, Nancy and I were amused when we found my pajamas and her nightgown laid out on the bed in such a way that they seemed to be holding hands. A night or so later, an arm of the pajamas was around the waist of the nightgown. We ran into the cabin the following evening to see how this romance might progress—and sure enough the pajamas and nightgown were in somewhat scandalous positions. And on the following night? The pajamas and nightgown were again demurely holding hands.
The apocryphal captain of that famous liner was not the only one who sometimes got disoriented at sea. By their questions, cruise ship passengers frequently betray their landlubber status, according to the Rotterdam’s cruise director Joseph Pokorski.
For example, there was one passenger whom he quoted as saying to him: “That is a big mountain range over there. What is our current elevation?” He said he responded: “That would be sea level and we like to keep it that way.”
While always answering passengers politely, Pokorski said there are times when he imagines responding with more saucy answers:
Q: “Does the ship generate its own power?”
A. “No, we have the longest extension cord in the world running back to San Diego.”
Q: “Is this the same moon I see from my home?”
A: “No this is a special Mexican at-sea moon created for your pleasure.”
Q: “Does the crew sleep on board?”
A. “No we get a helicopter every morning.”
Q: “ I’m upset my microwave doesn’t work.”
A. “That could be because it is a room safe.”
Q: “Will the ship be docking in the center of town?
A. “Yes, they are widening the main street of Cabo as we speak.”
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Next: Spanish colonial history comes alive in our cruise ports
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Harrison is editor of San Diego Jewish World