A non-Chelmic approach to the immigration issue

By Isaac Yetiv

LA JOLLA, California — In Jewish Eastern-European folklore, the legendary mythical town of Chelm occupies a place of honor. Hachmei Chelm , the  Wise Men of Chelm, meet regularly in Council to “hear” and adjudicate difficult cases in their community. Their verdicts are invariably counter-intuitive, disarming with their pseudo-reasoning,and hopelessly comical.

Books have been written on their exploits. Here is an exemplary “case” that has remained seared in my memory for so many years and which I often quote when I encounter flagrant stupidity among those who are supposed to be “wise men:”

The whole town assembled at a wedding. When the Rabbi came to give the benediction, he encountered a huge problem: the bride was much taller than the doorframe she needed to cross to reach the HUPPAH. What to do? The Rabbi consulted with two of the Elders.  One said, after long reflection : “We must cut off the bride’s head to enable her to pass.” The other retorted:” Oh,no ! that is too dangerous! Let us cut her legs instead.”

The Rabbi duly reported the situation to the anxious public, and soon, two groups formed, the “headers” and the “leggers.” A hot debate ensued, loud and raging, accompanied with menacing gesticulations and insults. …Until a child, annoyed by the commotion, approached the Rabbi, kissed his hand, and said: “Rabbi, why cut anything? The bride needs to just bend a little to pass through the door.” And that was the Rabbi’s smart verdict that continues to resonate from generation to generation.

For years now, I have been reminded of this parable by the ineptitude of our leaders at all levels of government,especially at the federal level,  their deplorable incapacity to solve the problems that plague the Republic, and their chelmaic attempts at decision-making, most of the time nullified by paralyzing partisanship.

The elected officials,and their overinflated staff, spend billions as we spend cents, and the problems remain or even worsen. Hundreds of billions have been spent “to eradicate poverty” since President Johnson’s “Great Society,” and the rate of poverty is higher today.

It is because of this debilitating effort at being politically correct and not offend anyone, person or group, and also because no problem is tackled PER SE but via ulterior motives such as “will it conform with the party ideology–which is usually that of the extreme fringes–”
and “will it help me get re-elected.”

Experts on decision-making processes have formulated a principle: ” For a great majority of problems, the best solutions are the simplest ones,” (provided, of course, that the democratically elected representatives show a certain degree of honesty, independence, and selflessnes.)

As I have previously announced, I will attempt to present SIMPLE solutions to some of the problems. Here is the first:

Immigation

I would shed no tears on the demise of the “immigration” bill. It is a strange amalgam of onerous irresponsibility and asinine tricks. For example: the mantra ” they are doing jobs Americans don’t want ” is a fallacy because if we make them “legal” they will become “the Americans who don’t want these jobs,” which will invite another batch of 12 million  illegal aliens. Or the silly 2-1-2-1-2 –alternating years of work here with years of living in their country, when everybody knows that any immigrant working here will never voluntarily return to his country.

To make millions of illegals instantaneously entitled to “a path to citizenship” is not only a reward to those who violated our laws but also an immensely expensive and chaotic proposition which, according to experts, could cost hundreds of billions of dollars that we need to borrow from China, to be added to the 14 trillions of national debt already outrageously incurred.

On the other hand , irresponsible talk of massive deportations is as misleading and hypocritical,due to the magnitude of the problem and to humane considerations. There will never be a solution that will make everybody happy, but we must be proactive and find the optimal solution , the best we can under the circumstances, that will allow us “to run with the hare and hunt with the hounds.”

Here are the five steps I suggest:

1) As in any accident, the first thing to do is to stop the bleeding : we should close the borders as hermetically as possible, with all the manpower and technology necessary. This means warning loudly and repeatedly, then jailing and deporting anyone caught violating our sovereignty.

2) Deport immediately all criminal illegal aliens.

3) Declare a “period of identification” of six months to one year during which all non-criminal illegals would fill a form identifying themselves and applying for an I.D. card, state-of-the-art technology that can’t be forged. The applicants will IPSO FACTO become  “guest workers” authorized to live and work in the U.S., and pay taxes, and buy insurance etc.They will not be deported, NOR will they be entitled to any “path of citizenship.” (see 5) below). Those who do not apply for the I.D.card wll face deportation, if caught. Unemployed immigrants will return to their countries of their own volition.

4) Employers hiring immigrants without I.D. shall be punished severely, as well as anyone, person or institution, who will give sanctuary to criminal or non-ID illegal aliens.

5) Five years after living and working in the U.S. , any ID guest worker may petition the authorities for permanent residency on an individual basis, which may end up with U.S. citizenship, after full consideration of the personal circumstances and the needs of  the country at that specific time.

I think this is a fair, equitable, and humane solution to an arduous problem that was left to fester by successive administrations of both parties. Everybody wins, except the criminals or those who refuse, for any reason, to apply for the I.D. card. We don’t need new laws, just to enforce the ones on the books, and the sooner the better.

If anyone has a better solution, I would like to hear it.

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Yetiv is a freelance writer based in La Jolla.