LA JOLLA, California — 1. Does your relationship have arthritis? Everything hurts, you do small things to try and help, but there is no cure. Every motion irritates, and there is no letup.
2. Does your relationship have migraines? Even though you are both there, one of you is really absent, lost in some private pain.
3. Does your relationship have blood clots? One of you is stuck doing things that are ineffective or even hurtful, repeating the same pattern over and over.
4. Does your relationship have high blood pressure? One of you is always angry, with a chip on the shoulder, ready to blow off steam at the slightest provocation.
5. Does your relationship have a low pulse rate? You’re both just treading water, lost in apathy, with no joy or fun, only dull routine.
6. Does your relationship suffer from loss of vision? Have you lost sight of the reasons you’re together, the values you share, the goals you had?
7. Is your relationship hearing impaired? Do you pay attention to what each of you says, or do you feel like you’re talking to a wall? Are you sharing your intimate feelings, thoughts, needs, and concerns with each other?
8. Does your relationship experience dizziness:? One of you often changes plans without consulting the other or has mood swings and is unpredictable.
9. Does your relationship have a heart murmur? You long for love to be expressed in words and actions: a flower, an evening out, handholding, an unexpected kiss or hug, an admiring glance, loving whispers.
10. Is your relationship constipated? Everything is held back, held in. No one talks or shares anything. Neither of you knows what the other is thinking nor feeling. You don’t know about each other’s daily experiences.
11. Does your relationship have diarrhea? You talk, but you say nothing—an endless stream of words without substance, chatter with no relevance to anything meaningful.
12. And finally, does your relationship have a spinal-cord injury? Neither of you can stand up straight, say it like it is, shoot from the hip, confront the reality of your situation, or make tough decisions on how to improve matters between you.
If your relationship is sick, what is making it ill? Is there a toxic environment? Are there needs not expressed and therefore not met? Can you help each other by asking what would make your partner happy and then do something about it?
Relationship sickness can be cured, not by Band-Aids, not by antibiotics, but by constant care, constant watchfulness. Better still, sickness can be prevented by constant love.
How do you do it? First, take the time to sit down together and look over the twelve illnesses. Do any fit your relationship? If not, is there something else? Ask each other where it hurts and what would alleviate the pain. Tell each other what you appreciate and what helps and then what the needs are and how these can be fulfilled.
There are four important questions couples should ask and answer:
What would you like me to
1. Stop?
2. Start?
3. Do More of?
4. Do less of?
Be honest with each other, which means be willing to be vulnerable and express feelings that may be embarrassing, e.g., when you do such…I feel…. Don’t dismiss feelings, thoughts, needs, hopes, fears; examine their validity, acknowledge their impact, and look for ways to help each other.
Then, try the following: Cuddle in bed even for just a minute before getting up. If you both read the paper during breakfast, hold hands for a minute. If either or both of you work, be sure you know where to reach each other—in other words, know each other’s schedule of activities. When you get back together in the evening, inquire not only about the day’s events but reactions to it. (E.g., Were you upset when…? Where you glad that…?)
Once in a while, bring home a flower, a favorite candy, a silly object you ran across. Give hugs at the kitchen counter, squeezes in the garage, a kiss in the laundry room, and a frequent “I love you” everywhere else.
This may sound trite, but it works. It costs nothing, is not high risk. Try it, you may like it.
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Josefowitz is a freelance writer based in La Jolla. She may be contacted at natasha.josefowitz@sdjewishworld.com This column appeared previously in the La Jolla Village News.