Dear [People on My Facebook Page/Friends],
With [two days off of work/Rosh Hashanah] over, it’s time to look forward to Yom Kippur. And as always, that means [apologizing for stuff that isn’t my fault/penance], because [God says I have to/it’s always good to take stock of where things stand with our loved ones]. So I am writing to set things right with [you jerks who crowd my space/my family and friends]. Since I [can’t be bothered to do this in person/couldn’t reach out to all of you in time], the mass communication method seems like the [best cop-out/most practical way to go].
To that end, please fill out the following form and send it back to me [never/before Kol Nidre], so I [won’t have to deal with this again/can apologize
properly].
1) Name: ________________
2) How I know you: [Family member/Friend/Currently stalking you on JDate]
3) How long I’ve known you: _______________
4) What I allegedly did wrong:
A)
_______________
B) ________________
C)
________________
D-Z)_______________________________
5) Are you sure [THING I DID] was really my fault? [YES/NO]
5a) Are you lying? [YES/NO]
6) Was [THING I DID] so bad that if Jews believed in hell, I would go there? [YES/NO] (If “YES,” please describe)
7) Would money/food/other gifts help paper over [THING I DID]? [YES/NO]
8) Are you going to let [THING I DID] go if I apologize? [YES/NO]
Note: If answer to #8 is “NO,” skip question #10.
If applicable: 8a) Will an apology get you to drop any pending lawsuits related to [THING I DID]? [YES/NO]
9) Is [THING I DID] forgivable? [YES/NO]
10) How I can make [THING I DID] up to you:
__________________________
11) Will you still forgive [THING I DID] when invariably I don’t perform #10? [YES/NO]
And remember that for whatever I’ve done wrong over the last year, I am truly [without fault/sorry].
**
Steve Hofstetter is an internationally touring comedian who has been on VH1, ESPN, Comedy Central, and many more. To book him at your next
event, visit SteveHofstetter.com. This column was originally published on jdate.com.