By Natasha Josefowitz, Ph.D.
LA JOLLA, California — We have all attended meetings disrupted by someone who takes up all the “air time.” We have also been at meetings where one or more participants do not contribute. This is true whether it is a board meeting, a staff meeting, a faculty meeting, or any meeting in law firms, in hospitals, in corporations, in government agencies, and wherever people meet to
discuss the business at hand. As a matter of fact, this can also apply to dinner parties.
Strangely enough, the person who talks too much and the person who talks too little may both suffer from the same problem; they just deal with it in opposite ways.
The person who does not speak may feel he or she has nothing of any value to add or may be uncomfortable interrupting if the discussion is flying at a rapid rate and getting one’s two-cents in means
jumping in fast.
Often, it is women who worry that what they have to say will be seen as irrelevant or reveal their ignorance. Most men believe they’re doing well unless criticized, while most women believe they’re
not doing well unless praised. As positive feedback is not a norm in most places of work, women don’t know how their contributions are received and therefore are not inclined to risk being wrong by opening their mouths.
This behavior begins in kindergarten when a teacher asks a question and all the little boys’ hands go up whether or not they know the answer. The little girls will only raise their hands when they’re
sure they know. As a result, boys are called on more often than girls and get to practice their responses more.
Of course, there are always other possibilities: Non-talkers may be bored out of their wits, have other things on their minds, or think the meeting is a waste of time and do not wish to participate in what they consider futile.
On the opposite end of the scale are the people who won’t shut up. Either they take forever to express a thought or think they have something important to add after each comment by others. Often
this person is a higher-up and arrogantly believes that it is his prerogative to continually emit his opinion or hold forth ad nauseam.
But, it is also often people who feel lower down on the totem pole and want to show that they are not as inadequate as they believe others perceive them. They keep talking to reassure themselves
and others that they are indeed as knowledgeable as the next person.
What to do? If you’re the leader of such a group, your task is to ask the non-talkers for their opinions and reinforce the validity of the contribution by referring to it. After the meeting, the leader
can tell the non-participants privately that their contributions were helpful and appreciated. If there is no leader to perform this task, anyone who notices a silent person can engage them and validate what is then being said.
As a leader in a group with an over-ebullient person, your task is more difficult. How do you shut up someone without offending? If you guess it is a person who speaks out because of feeling inferior, you would use the same tactics of reassurance and support and possibly interrupt by asking others’ opinions. If it is a higher-up who won’t stop talking, you can discreetly, after the meeting, ask for suggestions as to better equalize the air time. Perhaps they can be asked to monitor how much others talk and discuss his or her observations with you.
It is almost impossible to tell someone he or she talks too much without offending. But saying that junior members are unwilling to express their thoughts and feel intimidated because the talker
always seems to have something to say about everything, might be a strategy. Asking them to help you encourage others to talk more will give them a role. If it’s a junior member, he or she can be asked to take notes.
Generally, people speak too much or too little for reasons that can be elicited. Responding to the underlying need to either express oneself or to withdraw might solve the problem, at least in the short run. In the long run, you may have to live with the problem.
Some years ago we were members of a monthly dinner group of several very congenial couples. Unfortunately, one member was totally unaware that she was using up all the air time, talking
non-stop. We were all equally annoyed and equally unwilling to hurt this person. If she had known how we all felt, she would have been devastated, so we said nothing and just looked at each other with dismay as she rambled on, non-verbally agreeing with each other that this was irritating, but that we were stuck. In other words, that silent group support helped. This can also
help in other such situations where it is hopeless to change behaviors.
However, I believe that allowing this to continue is a disservice to an individual who is unaware of the irritation that such behavior causes. The ultimate consequence is that such people will not be
asked to join other groups, be they work groups or social gatherings, and will suffer from the inevitable ostracism.
So the kind, even though difficult, thing to do is to take this person aside and ask whether they are aware of talking more than anyone else. Whatever the answer, this behavior is usually
unconscious and responds to some psychological need. This can be brought to consciousness and then dealt with more easily. If the individual becomes defensive and refuses to acknowledge their over-the-top participation, the whole group might have to confront the person with examples of the repercussions of their disruptive behavior. It is important to be aware that criticism should always be constructive and offer an opportunity for growth.
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Josefowitz is a free lance journalist based in La Jolla. This article appeared previously in the La Jolla Village News