By Rabbi Michael Leo Samuel
CHULA VISTA, California — Here is a question I received from one my students in our synagogue Introduction to Judaism class.
There seems to be a tension between the Jewish mitzvah (commandment) concerning marriage (and subsequently being fruitful), and the concept of love (specifically romantic love, as defined in terms of western thought and literature). In times and places where arranged marriages are/were the norm, this was not a concern, but in modern day America, it seems to be a live issue. Is it the view of Judaism that it is more important to marry to fulfill the commandment – even if one does not love that mate, or should one not marry without love even though the mitzvah seems clear that it is obligatory? What does Judaism say, not only halachically (in Jewish law), but ethically and in terms of Jewish values?
Answer: In some ways, your question reminds me of the famous dialogue between Tevya and Golde in Fiddler on the Roof. Tevya asks Golde the famous question: Do you love me? She responds:
- Do I love you? With our daughters getting married and this trouble in the town You’re upset, you’re worn out. Go inside, go lie down! Maybe it’s indigestion.
- Tevya: “Golde, I’m asking you a question…”Do you love me?” Golde finally responds, “For twenty-five years I’ve washed your clothes, cooked your meals, cleaned your house, given you children, milked the cow. After twenty-five years, why talk about love right now? . . . Do I love him? For twenty-five years I’ve lived with him Fought him, starved with him. Twenty-five years my bed is his If that’s not love, what is?”
In Mark Twain’s short story, “The Diary of Eve,” the author narrates how Eve grated upon his nerves while they were in Eden. Although they were in Paradise, Paradise was not in them. In the beginning, Adam find’s Eve’s presence and personality obnoxious. After they leave Eden, only then do they come to discover real love for one another. After Adam survives Eve, he writes on her tombstone, “Wherever Eve stood—there was Eden.” Mark Twain captures the essence of the primal couple in a way that is unique and precious.
- · PRACTICAL TALMUDIC ADVICE
The Talmud in Tractate Kiddushin says something very important. Although a man may marry a woman through a proxy that he has never seen before, the sage Rav expresses some practical rabbinic wisdom that teaches that he must at the very least see her, lest he subsequently discover something repulsive in her that he will find loathsome and violate the biblical commandment, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Lev. 19:18).[1] The principle behind Rav’s practical advice is extremely valuable for all young people contemplating marriage in the Orthodox community in particular. If all you are interested in is fulfilling a mitzvah, my advice to you is simple: Don’t get married. Your question reminds me of something I once studied in the Responsa literature decades ago with respect to divorce.
The scholar observed that although there is a precept in the Torah pertaining to divorce, it is not necessarily a precept that one should run in order to fulfill such a “mitzvah.” The “mitzvah” of divorce only applies when the relationship cannot be salvaged for a variety of tragic reasons, e.g., spousal abuse—only then, is it a mitzvah to be considered and fulfilled when therapy and nothing else seems to work.[2] I would therefore have to say that the same principle works in reverse with respect to marriage. It is only when you are really attracted to a person on many emotional and spiritual levels—only then is it a “mitzvah” to get married. Otherwise, you are not being honest to yourself—and especially to another human being you are supposed to love. This is the wisdom of Rav’s statement in the Talmud that you must seriously consider.
Many years ago, a congregant once received an unexpected visitation from a Chabad rabbi in the hospital where he was recovering from an operation. After he arrived, the rabbi enthusiastically said, “Shalom Mr. So-and-so, I’m here to do the mitzvah of visiting the sick!” The man gently said to him, “If you are here to visit me because you are concerned about my well-being, then fine–stay. If you are here merely to fulfill your desire to do a mitzvah, then please leave. I want only someone who is truly concerned about my welfare to see me. I do not wish to see someone who is trying to score points with God.” This anecdote ought to apply to anyone who is contemplating marriage.
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You seem to think that romantic love is not only the product of Western literature, e.g., the love story of Tristan and Isolde or, Romeo and Juliette. There are numerous passages in the Tanakh that stress the importance of desire and attraction which ought to be part of any budding relationship that could lead to marriage.
- Rebekah, too, was looking about, and when she saw him, she alighted from her camel. And she asked the servant, “Who is the man out there, walking through the fields toward us?” “That is my master,” replied the servant. Then she covered herself with her veil. The servant recounted to Isaac all the things he had done. Then Isaac took Rebekah into his tent; he married her, and thus she became his wife. In his love for her Isaac found solace after the death of his mother Sarah” (Gen. 24:64-67).
It appears that each of them felt a great attraction and chemistry for one another. Remember, there is a good reason why the Genesis stories stress the importance of love at first sight. It is obvious that the biblical patriarchs and matriarchs were not merely interested in fulfilling a mitzvah when they met one another. Sexual attraction is necessary; without it, the world would be bereft of children. However, spiritual values are no less important because they enable two young or older people to endure the various trials and tribulations that marriage inevitably brings.
Take the case of Jacob and Rachel for example:
- Then Jacob kissed Rachel and burst into tears. He told her that he was her father’s relative, Rebekah’s son, and she ran to tell her father (Gen. 29:11).
Later on in the same chapter we read,
- “So Jacob served seven years for Rachel, yet they seemed to him but a few days because of his love for her” (Gen 29:11).
On the other hand, if you are willing to make the necessary symbolic sacrifices to give of yourself to another human being, then you will discover that marriage can be an enjoyable experience life has to offer.
Attraction is not always based upon physical chemistry; there ought to be other qualities as well. Marital love is extremely important and it needs to have attraction, values, respect and other qualities to survive. If you wish to read more of what the Tanakh has to say on this topic, try reading the Song of Songs. Without these qualities, a marital relationship is apt to become a martial relationship that is full of strife and disharmony.
Two souls with but a single thought,
Two hearts that beat as one.
—MARIA LOVEL, Ingomar the Barbarian, II
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Notes:
[1] BT Kiddushin 41a.
[2] By the same token, there is no precept to brings an atonement sacrifice for sin; it is only a precept if the person sins. However, if he never sinned, there would be no requirement to bring a sacrifice. Sometimes there are implicit principles that govern the corpus of many biblical laws, e.g., the precepts regarding marriage and divorce.
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Rabbi Samuel is spiritual leader of Temple Beth Shalom in Chula Vista. He may be contacted via michael.samuel@sdjewishworld.com