By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO―Spectators were dazzled by the pyrotechnics, luminescent colors, and special effects of the opening ceremony at the Sochi Winter Olympics. Although Russia claimed it cost a fortune to produce and featured thousands of Russians, conspiracy theorists suspect it was merely a holographic projection of scenes from Avatar and Tron.
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Under extreme duress from the scandals currently swirling around him, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has asked his aides to find him a hobby or sport to distract and relax him. After they made several suggestions, he became irate when one of them suggested he take up bridge, and another suggested he learn how to play Dodgeball.
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Senator Rand Paul has warned the public not to vote for Hillary Clinton because her husband Bill is a sexual predator. Hillary retorted that the Senator may be impotent because his father Ron doesn’t believe in foreign relations.
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Despite an outcry from animal rights activists, the Copenhagen Zoo killed one of its giraffes. When asked for the reason, a spokesperson for the Zoo replied, “He was a pain in the neck. It’s a long story.”
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Residents of West Virginia are still complaining about the licorice taste and smell from their tap and shower water. In a related story, the Hershey Company has announced that it plans to open a Twizzlers factory in the state.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted at lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com