By Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D.
SAN DIEGO — As Americans at many different income levels enjoy more affluent times, there’s something many parents covet more than anything else, and it’s the one thing money can’t buy: good kids…what we would call a mentch…and what do we want from our children? Yiddishe Nachas…it is the most profound wish of every Jewish parent and the preoccupation of much of our lives.
Yet, Vi koift men dos? Where do we get it? Are we getting it from the child rearing that we are doing today? Are we producing a generation of nice people? Despite our deep pride in the achievements of our community, something seems to be missing…a certain gentility, that beautiful and elusive “adelkeit.”
We can, and often do, give our children everything money can buy…but do we know how to give them everything money cannot buy? Preventing the “Spiritual Silver Platter Syndrome” costs nothing.
Our children are compared to holy vessels. If we want to succeed in raising children imbued with the high ideals which our Jewish heritage teaches through Torah, Talmud, and other source texts, we must make our children feel “spiritually regal.” Of course, if you as a parent don’t feel this way, it is all but impossible to infuse your children with this ideal.
Children don’t follow as much as emulate. If we want children to learn kindness, chessed, we have to take them along when we do someone a favor. If we want them to learn Torah, they must see us spending extra time learning Torah.
This is Rabbi Yaakov Kamenetsky’s “trickle down theory of parenting.” The process by which we guide our children is usually referred to as chinuch habanim the education of children. However, this is actually a misnomer, for parents are not primarily mechanchim, educators. Rather, they are mashpi’im, ones who influence. The root of the word mashpiah is related to shofooah, something inclined. Parents are like a slanted roof in relation to their children. Everything you do, everything you say, flows down from you onto your children and leaves its effect, though not often the one you intend.
If we want to be parents who give our children everything money can’t buy, we have to be active and aware parents…we have to make Torah ideals relevant…so if you talk during services or when the rabbi speaks, your children will talk during services and when the rabbi speaks…no matter what you lecture to him or her…if you tell your children all day and all night not to gossip, and you gossip in front of your children, you can tell them forever not to gossip and it won’t make nay difference…and if a father or mother has a temper, the child is likely to have a temper.
Honesty is not just another aspect of Judaism, it is the very essence of Judaism, so you tell your children you aren’t home when a phone call comes in which you don’t want to take and all the learning is for nothing.
Living a life of honesty and integrity not only spares one from Hashem’s wrath, it merits bountiful blessings. This story, from Rabbi Paysach Krohn, illustrates this promise in an astounding way…See if you could live up to this and see how this story gives children more than money can buy.
A number of years ago, while vacationing with her family in a bungalow colony in Monticello, New York, Mrs. Batia Rothberg gave birth to a premature baby boy, who weighed a little more than two pounds. The child was rushed from Monticello by Medivac helicopter to a medical center in Valhalla, New York, where he was immediately placed in a neonatal intensive care unit.
The little boy’s life was hanging in the balance as doctors and nurses tried valiantly to sustain him in every possible way. His heart was weak, his lungs were frail, and he needed blood transfusions. Rabbi Rothberg, who came to visit his wife and baby every day, consulted with the doctors regularly as he continuously thanked them profusely for all they were doing.
“We are so grateful for all of your efforts,” Rabbi Rothberg said. “I know my son has had numerous transfusions. Is there any way that I can donate blood directly for him?”
“We have a blood bank here at the hospital,” replied one of the doctors, “and if your blood type is the same as your son, it could be designated for him.”
His type was indeed the same so an appointment was made for Rabbi Rothberg to give blood. On the designated day, Rabbi Rothberg came with his eldest son, Shimon, who also wished to donate blood. Shimon, too, had been born prematurely and identified with his new baby brother.
When they entered the room where they were to donate blood, Rabbi Rothberg saw a sign that read, “Only those between 17 and 65 can donate blood.” He turned to Shimon and said, “I’m sorry but you won’t be able to donated blood. You are not 17.”
“I’ll be 17 in two weeks,” Shimon protested.
“But right now you are not 17 and the sign says only someone who is 17,” said Rabbi Rothberg.
“But I am in my 17th year,” Shimon complained.
“I’m sorry,” answered Rabbi Rothberg, “it’s sheker, falsehood, to say that you are 17.”
A few days later, Shimon was a passenger in a car that was involved in a serious accident. He lost so much blood that when the medics were finally able to extricate him from the crash, he had to be given ‘concentrated blood’ to keep him alive until he could be brought to the hospital.
When the doctors heard that Shimon had nearly given blood just days before, he said, “Had he given blood that day he would be dead now, because there would not have been enough time from then until now for his body to replenish the blood that he needed to remain alive.
Mrs. Rothberg, who told this story, says today, “If not for my husband’s honesty, my son would not be alive today.”
How you treat your parents, how you treat G-d, how you fill your home with the joy of Judaism not the oy of Judaism, how you treat your fellow-man…these are all instructive for your children in teaching them what money can’t buy and what you are worth without your money.
Finally, here are cardinal mistakes I see parents make routinely. Avoid them and you’ll succeed in giving your children everything money can’t buy:
- Baby your child
- Put your marriage last
- Push your children into too many activities
- Be your child’s best friend
- Fail to give your child structure
- Expect your child to fulfill your dreams
- Instill greed in your children
- Give them every material experience in the world
- Don’t expect them to put forth effort in this world
- Emphasize their “happiness” instead of their Yiddishkeit
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Dr Michael Mantell, based in San Diego, is a Senior Fitness Consultant for Behavioral Sciences, American Council on Exercise, best-selling author and international behavior science presenter and keynote speaker. He may be contacted via michael.mantell@sdjewishworld.com