Editor’s Note: This is the 100th “Humoring the Headlines” column to appear on San Diego Jewish World. To Professor Baron goes a hearty Mazal Tov!
By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO─ The National Football League announced that it will impose six-game suspensions on any player found guilty of domestic violence. The battered spouses of the players said they prefer that the penalty be a six month restraining order enforced by NFL defensive players.
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United Airlines diverted one of its domestic flights to Chicago after a fight broke after a passenger used the Knee Defender to prevent the passenger in front of him from reclining her seat. United Airlines has not filed charges, but has requested that the inventor of the Knee Defender change its name to the Knee Jerk Offender.
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The clothing company Zara recalled from stores its baby pajama top whose black and white stripes and six-pointed star resemble the uniform and star worn by Jewish inmates in Nazi concentration camps. To avoid a similar controversy, a baby furniture company preemptively withdrew its line of cribs which have electrified barbed wire railings.
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A nine-year girl accidentally killed her instructor while firing an Uzi at a shooting range in Arizona. This incident was reported in the Hamas daily newspaper with the headline: “Israel Responsible for Another Civilian Death.”
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A Kentucky prison inmate died from eating underwear that was soaked in Methadone. Manufacturers of the underwear denied liability noting that the underwear package was clearly marked “briefs.”
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com . San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally. He’ll be on vacation the next two weeks and the column will resume the week of September 14th.