By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO─ After weeks of appalling atrocities committed by ISIS and Boko Haram, terrorism experts are looking back nostalgically to the good old days when terrorists only hijacked airplanes and negotiated their release for ransom money or the release of imprisoned compatriots.
*
Archeologists have discovered that ancient humans ate psychedelic mushrooms. Based on this finding, theologians have concluded all the world’s great religious texts are based on hallucinations and that pilgrimages were originally called trips.
*
Although Senator Rand Paul has retracted his statement that vaccines cause “profound mental disorders,” fact checkers have found abundant evidence of his past opposition to vaccines. His claim was derived from a study of the impact of reading Ayn Rand on politicians. Severe side effects from vaccinations are extremely rare. The vaccination rate for children in the United States is over 90 %; or, to translate that into Latin: “Vax PaulULie.”
*
There is a correlation between the Koch brothers’ announcement to donate almost a billion dollars to support conservative candidates in the 2016 elections and Mitt Romney’s decision to withdraw from the presidential race. Romney realized he wasn’t wealthy enough to run for president anymore.
*
A Pentagon profile of Vladimir Putin from 2008 speculated that he has Asperger’s syndrome, “an autistic disorder which affects all of his decisions.” Rand Paul immediately demanded Putin’s medical records to see if had been vaccinated for measles.
*
Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com . San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.