Humoring the headlines: February 28, 2015

By Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO─ Angered that the Senate passed a “clean” bill to fund the Department of Homeland Security, House Republicans proposed a three week funding extension of DHS expecting that ISIS, Al Qaeda, and other Islamic terrorist groups will be defeated by interim but then voted against the measure.  Apparently, John Boehner prefers to lead from behind too.

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A committee in the Oklahoma legislature approved a bill to defund the teaching of the new Advanced Placement curriculum in American history declaring its critical approach to the nation’s past a threat to “public peace, health and safety.”  Although historians involved in designing the AP curriculum refuse to change it, they have offered to create a new curriculum and exam in American Mythology.

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To improve the nutritional value of their sodas, both Pepsi and Coca-Cola are sweetening their brands with real cane sugar.  The companies share a commitment to prevent Americans from developing diabetes by consuming corn syrup.

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ISIS has burned heretical books and manuscripts and destroyed pre-Islamic archeological artifacts.  The German-Jewish poet Heinrich Heine once predicted, “Where they burn books, so too will they in the end burn human beings.”  ISIS apparently got the order backwards.

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Although Americans are equally split over sending troops to fight ISIS, the recent appeal by al-Shabaab for its supporters to attack malls in the United States may turn the tide of public opinion in favor of military intervention.  Executing hostages, exterminating Assyrian Christians, and enslaving women are terrible things, but denying people the freedom to shop poses a mortal threat to the American way of life.

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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University.  He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com .  San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.