Humoring the headlines: July 9, 2015

By Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO─Latinos now outnumber non-Hispanic whites in California.  Based on that statistic, all the television news networks project that any Republican candidate but Donald Trump will win the state’s presidential primary next June.

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The talent agency that handled Bill Cosby has dropped him.  All of his concerts have been cancelled.  On the other hand, fraternities throughout the country are booking him to emcee their house parties.

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Computer glitches halted trading on the New York Stock Exchange and delayed flights on United Airlines.  Experts say there is no evidence that hacking caused the outages, but speculate that the technicians who designed the computer systems are hacks.

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Tom Selleck has been charged with stealing truckloads of water from a fire hydrant to use on his California avocado ranch.  Investigators solving the mystery when they realized that the Magnum P.I logo on Selleck’s truck was code for a large liquid container for pumping illegally.

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Israel’s Religious Service Minister David Azoulay claimed his statement that Reform Jews aren’t really Jews was taken out of context, but added, “At the same time, it is with great pain that we view the damage caused by Reform Judaism, which has brought the greatest danger to the Jewish people, the danger of assimilation.”  Bibi Netanyahu immediately reminded Azoulay that members of his cabinet must hew to a monolithic line: Iran is the greatest danger to the Jewish people.

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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University.  He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com .  San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.