By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO─ Texas Transportation Code: Sec. 545.104. (a) An operator shall use the signal authorized by Section 545.106 to indicate an intention to turn, change lanes, or start from a parked position. Sentencing Guidelines: a warning, a ticket, Tasing if the operator tries to harm the officer with secondhand smoke, and the death penalty if the operator refuses to get out of the car for such minor infractions.
*
A Federal Appeals Court dismissed five of the 18 counts against former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich for offering to appoint one of Obama’s advisors to the President’s empty Senate seat in return for a position in his Cabinet. Under the precedent set by Citizens United, corruption is a form of free speech.
*
Israel is developing an Underground Iron Dome system to locate tunnels being built by Hamas. The urgency of perfecting the system has been heightened by rumors that Hamas has outsourced its tunnel construction to El Chapo.
*
Donald Trump will be touring the US-Mexican border and will visit Laredo, Texas, 96 % of whose residents are Latinos. Trump purportedly has hired undocumented aliens to attempt to assault, rape, and rob him. He then plans to negotiate with them to return to Mexico and bring the government there the bill for the wall it will construct when he is president.
*
Ikea has warned customers to securely attach their chests of drawers and wardrobes to the wall following the death of two children in the US who were crushed by falling furniture. Fortunately, most purchasers of these items could not follow the original instructions and never finished assembling them.
*
Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com . San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.