By Michael R. Mantell, PhD
SAN DIEGO — What lesson have we not learned from one of the most basic principles in Judaism, “Love your fellow Jew as yourself”? It’s preached on pulpit after pulpit, regardless of the sex of the rabbi, the color of the rabbi’s talit, whether the rabbi wears a kippah or not, or the level of kashrut in the weekly Kiddush. Yet, we just don’t get it.
For too many, this most fundamental principle in the Torah has been perverted to mean, “Love your fellow Jew as yourself, ONLY IF your fellow Jew is as yourself.” Otherwise, embarrass, humiliate, severely judge, criticize in public, gossip about, and generally debase your fellow Jew. If your fellow Jew doesn’t agree with your brand or definition of Judaism, all bets are off. Have at him or her.
Tragic, isn’t it? But oh so true. Look around in synagogue after synagogue in every city in America and you’ll see how true this is. We just don’t get it. We are one, yet we are our own worst enemies.
Just as a bride and groom go under a chuppah, the Jewish people were under Mount Sinai as if G-d were the groom and we, the Jewish people, were the bride, making a non-ending commitment to each other. The Jewish people camped before the mountain and were ready with perfect unity to accept G-d’s Torah. The Midrash says that they were as one person with one heart.Unity, to the deepest of levels, the heart, further symbolizes the essence of marriage.
Pirkei Avot, “Sayings of Our Fathers,” tells us that all good things in life are contained in a “good heart” and all bad things in life are contained in a “bad heart.” Having a “good heart” is the way of life that a person should attach himself to and having a “bad heart” is the way of life from which a person should distance himself, according to Pirkei Avot.
One may think him or herself as holy if s/he goes into isolation and practices extreme stringencies and extra religious customs. This is false. For a person to be holy, s/he must be able to steadily act in a proper manner in all interactions with his fellow human, regardless of differences of opinion.
One’s behavior towards other people can have enormous good or bad impact on them, whether by active deed or by passive neglect. The closer a person is to you, the more powerful the impact on that person tends to be.
We are in a long and brutal exile because we had causeless and petty hate and strife between us in the time of the destruction of the second Holy Temple and we only gave, in our conduct with each other, what the law required but not more than the law required. Today, we no longer even give that.
We are still paying the price and we are still guilty of the same. Every generation, in which the Holy Temple is not built, it is as if it were destroyed in that generation.
So what’s the answer? Derech Eretz. The paragon of Jewish behavior is “Derech Eretz,” polite, respectful, thoughtful and civilized behavior.
Having sterling midot (character traits) and the ability to behave like a mentsch (fine human being) are fundamental to living as a good Jew, living the Torah. The way one behaves is an external manifestation of one’s midot. Therefore, a behavioral corollary to good character is “Derech Eretz.”
The third chapter of Pirkei Avot says that if one doesn’t behave with Derech Eretz, one doesn’t have Torah. Rabainu Yonah in the 12th century, wrote, based on this, that G-d’s presence cannot rest upon any person who does not have good midos (even a person with lots of Torah learning).
There are about 200 teachings from our sages about Derech Eretz in the Talmud and midrashim, as well as two tractates on Derech Eretz and many more teachings from the post-Talmudic authorities. But we still don’t get it.
Oh, we “learn” it all right, and on Shavuot night many will stay up all night learning about it, but come the morning, many will simply close the holy books and continue once more acting as if Derech Eretz was meant for someone else. But in truth, Derech Eretz must be concretely and sensitively practiced constantly in every day situations by all.
Pirkei Avot (chapter three) tells us that “all who are pleasing to one’s fellow man are pleasing to Hashem and all who are not pleasing to one’s fellow man are displeasing to Hashem.” The Torah’s “ways are sweet and all of its paths are peace” (Mishlai 3:17 – to be a good Jew, a “Torah person,” one must be sweet and peaceful). Pirkei Avot teaches us to always give people a kindly and pleasant countenance (chapter one) and to always receive people cheerfully (chapter three). Get into the habit of treating everyone in a pleasant and friendly manner always. Be sociable and healthily involved in the life of your community.
When a poor person asks you for charity, respond with warmth and a smile. If you can’t give, say in a nice manner that you’re not in a position to give. Even if you can’t give a penny, a warm, friendly, comforting or encouraging response to the poor person can be a kindness, and, therefore, is a mitzva. Greet neighbors on the street. Ask people, with sincere interest, how things are. Do and say things that make other people feel that they are important and that you are sweet. You’ll start to see your attitudes – and relationships – improve.
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Dr Michael Mantell, based in San Diego, provides coaching to business leaders, athletes, individuals and families to reach breakthrough levels of success and significance in their professional and personal lives. Mantell may be contacted via michael.mantell@sdjewishworld.com