By Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D.
SAN DIEGO — “Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must,” counseled Johann Wolfgang von Goethe. But what’s with the “must”, JW? When “must” we “endure”?
By the time you finish this column, you’ll realize you don’t need to ever endure life, but rather you can find enjoyment in every moment of it—even when the bills are high, the rent is due, the job is floundering, the family is facing some difficulties and the doctor has some not so welcome news.
First, let’s look at “why.” Part of the answer comes from the researchers at the University College London who studied 10,000 people, 50 to 100 years old, from 2002 to 2011. They gave us the “why”: people who reported the most enjoyment in life were more likely to be alive, 10 years later. Three times more people died among those who endured, not enjoyed, life. Is living longer enough of a reason?
More than anything else, enjoyment is based in your mind. The same can be said for “having to endure” an experience. The link is what you think. The difference between enjoying and enduring is simply—perhaps it seems complicated to you, but it’s not—is simply, the story you tell yourself about that event.
“I can’t stand this traffic but I’ll have to endure it if I’m going to see the family on Rosh Hashana.” Compare that to, “So it’s traffic, I may not particularly like being in traffic, but thinking about being with my family makes being in the traffic a whole lot more enjoyable.”
Perhaps you believe you “have to endure” your holidays with family. Ask yourself what’s good about a holiday event with your family for you? What can go right at the dinner? Is your happiness your priority or is suffering your priority? What can you tell yourself about your being with family at over the holidays that can leave you feeling enjoyment rather than negative?
Do you make plans to be happy? Is it your intent to be happy? What do you do at a family event that you enjoy, and if the answer is “nothing,” what can you do to change that? Are you planting more enjoyable thoughts in your mind or allowing negative ones to take up free space?
The Dalai Lama has observed, “The central method for achieving a happier life (i.e., enjoying, not enduring) is to train your mind in a daily practice that weakens negative attitudes and strengthens positive ones.”
Have you ever complained about working too many hours, having to be in early and come home late, having to take your car in for service, or listen to your kids screaming about doing homework? Sure you have. We all have.
But have you ever complained to someone about these life events you feel you have to endure, only to hear that person say, “Boy I wish I had a job.” “Wow, I wish I had a car.” “Sigh, the kids are all grown and boy do I miss those days of hearing them argue over doing homework.”
One word sums it up. Perspective. Every time you think you are enduring something it only means you haven’t found the positive in it, yet. It’s there. You are just choosing to create unhappiness for yourself, drinking your poison while hoping the other guy suffers. The benefit, the positive, the advantage, is there. Look for it.
What story do you need to change to start enjoying and stop enduring? Maybe you aren’t being mistreated, maybe they didn’t mean it that way. Maybe you are taking it wrong. Maybe you’re right (!) and they did mean it that way, but you are extending your unhappiness by focusing on it instead of making your enjoyment your priority.
I’ve said it before but things happen for us, never, ever to us. You lost your job right before Labor Day. What better door will open as a result? Important people in your life treated you unfairly. What benefit will you create for yourself as a result? Your relationship broke up right before the holiday. What new healthier and more positive relationships does this allow you to explore? Get the point? Check your specs—they are in need of cleaning.
Recently I was stuck in a huge traffic jam early one morning. I had an early appointment to see a client I was coaching who flew into San Diego from the Midwest. This traffic held me back for quite some time. I still had time to rush into Starbucks to grab some coffee for us and bring it to the office. I darted in, got on line and to my surprise found a friend right in front of me on line who is never on line when I get there. We always hang out with a morning group but this morning, I was late.
“Hey you are never here after me, let me buy you a cup of coffee this morning,” my buddy said. It suddenly dawned on me. I didn’t have to endure the traffic and the morning rush. I could have enjoyed it, had I realized there was something good waiting for me from that delay…I got a free cup of coffee out of it!
Enjoy or endure. It’s your health, your life…entirely and completely your choice.
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Dr Michael Mantell, based in San Diego, provides coaching to business leaders, athletes, individuals and families to reach breakthrough levels of success and significance in their professional and personal lives. Mantell may be contacted via michael.mantell@sdjewishworld.com