By Laurie Baron
MARGATE, New Jersey‒ House Republicans are fighting against the renewal of Michelle Obama’s guidelines for federally supported school lunch programs because they violate the American right to life, liberty, and gluttony and the 2nd amendment guarantee to bear arms and body fat.
*
Donald Trump failed to repudiate a supporter who contended that President Obama is a Muslim and wasn’t born in the United States and that American Muslims run terrorist training camps to launch attacks on American infidels. Although Trump subsequently asserted that he was merely concerned about protecting the rights of Christians [There goes the Hindu and Jewish vote!], he secretly suspects that the Washington Monument has been converted into a minaret and that the name of Camp David has been changed to Camp Jihad.
*
Donald Trump cancelled an appearance at the Heritage Action Presidential Forum claiming that he needed to close an important business transaction. Although journalists doubted his alibi, there are reports that he is negotiating the purchase the United States.
*
When asked if a candidate’s faith should matter to voters, GOP Presidential candidate Ben Carson replied, “I guess it depends on what that faith is. If it’s inconsistent with the values and principles of America, then of course it should matter.” When asked if he thought Islam is consistent with the Constitution, Carson said, “No, I don’t, I do not.” Moments later Bill Maher announced he will endorse Carson if he is consistent and concedes that injecting religion into politics is always inconsistent with the Constitution.
*
In the mass he conducted in Cuba, Pope Francis exhorted the crowd to “love poverty like you love your mother” and condemned wealth “for impoverishing … humanity by placing our faith in something else.” In a latter conversation with the Pope, Fidel Castro countered, “Hate poverty like you hate your boss.” Trickle down theorists in the United States were pleasantly surprised to concur with the gist of the Pope’s sermon and hoped that the 47 % of envious and parasitic Americans would learn to love their poverty and place their faith in the Republicans.
*
Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. Currently serving as the Ida E. King Distinguished Visiting Professor of Holocaust Studies at the Richard Stockton College in Galloway, New Jersey, he may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com . San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.