By Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D.
SAN DIEGO — What makes a child so angry or despondent that he or she would pick up a gun and shoot classmates and teachers? And what warning signs can parents look for? These are the questions we’ll answer in this column.
The problem of anger is based on fragile egos, so fragile that they are incapable of dealing with frustration. Whenever something veers off one’s personal road map, when it does not go as planned or expected, it is taken as a personal attack. Losing one’s temper is most often related to a perceived affront to one’s ego. You believe that the other person thinks you are stupid, an idiot, a jerk, or whatever other pejorative term you call yourself.
Thus the early warning signs of a child about to commit serious harm to others includes:
Social withdrawal
Excessive feelings of isolation and being alone
Excessive feelings of rejection
Being a victim of violence
Feelings of being picked on and persecuted
Low school interest and poor academic performance
Expressions of violence in writings and drawings
Uncontrolled anger
Patterns of impulsive and chronic hitting, intimidating, and bullying behaviors
History of disciplinary problems
Past history of aggressive and violent behavior
Intolerance for differences and prejudicial attitudes
Drug use and alcohol use
Affiliations with gangs
Inappropriate access to, possession of, and use of firearms
Serious threats of violence
Tragically, the decadence of the adult world has become so great that it seeps into the psyche, soul, heart and mind of our children. They have been raised and trained in a world where the school building is more important than the curriculum, a world where mom and dad are more concerned about their next trip-automobile-golf game-new home-you name it – than seemingly anything else, a world of selfishness, a world of decadence, a world of drugs, a world where there is no longer any shame, a world of hedonism, a world of violence and pornography, a world where they have not been taught to deal with frustration properly because they have not had parents around enough to do so. Theirs is a world where more value is placed on materialism than morality. It’s not surprising then, to see the young innocent smile of a child turn into a snarl of hatred, fury and exasperation.
Our children want more certainly. But not more toys. They want more meaning. And they just don’t know how to get it. We’ll give our children anything they can imagine, desire, fantasize about – except a deep spiritual anchor. That’s something we deprive them of.
In a recent examination of the last eight multiple child assassins in this country, the one common denominator amongst the child murderers was stunningly spectacular and dramatic in its simple clarity. None of the killers had any connection with G-d. None.
Recall the shocking report in Newsweek magazine after the Columbine massacre? The killers asked two girls held hostage to their death a simple question: Do you believe in G-d? When they said “yes,” the child murderers took out their vengeance in a fury, killing the girls immediately. Sound familiar and similar to shootings we just read about in Oregon?
Our sages teach us that a belief in G-d is a primary deterrent to murder. Yet, there has been a slow and devastating process in this country that began by first diluting and ultimately eliminating an education based on our personal responsibility to G-d. We’ve been so worried about teaching math and hoping and praying our kids get into Harvard, that we’ve forgotten that REAL education must include not just teaching our children the value of a mathematical equation, but teaching the value of their souls as well. G-d has been eliminated from the experience of most children, including Jewish children. History has shown us that a society can be extremely well educated and yet, if not guided by G-d’s precepts, it may be steeped in malevolence.
Grow up in a G-dless world, filled instead with violent video games, funereal rock music, comic-book fantasies and apocalyptic films with no anchor and we are left staring down the barrel of a gun, held by a mere child.
In Judaism the psychology of anger is discussed as follows: a mighty man is not one of great physical strength, but one who controls his emotions. “One who is slow to anger is greater than a mighty man, and one who rules over his passions is greater than the conqueror of cities.”
Our children who have been educated, wholly educated, steeped in a deep understanding of the collective wisdom of their people, not just given a wonderful secular curriculum, reared with a strong consciousness of a G-d who watches over them and requires them to conduct their lives with sensitivity, honesty, respect and compassion for others, have far less difficulty controlling their emotions, especially murderous rage.
This consciousness is sorely lacking in many of our children. It must be nurtured and quickly, before it’s too late for them and for us. Children, even before they learn to read, must “know” that there is “an eye that sees, and an ear that hears, observing all of our actions.”
The Ten Commandments starts with a belief in G-d. That’s number one on top of the first Tablet. Number six, on the top of the second Tablet, says, “Don’t murder.” There is a connection. Our children must understand this connection, and those educated, fully educated, with a deep moral anchor — not just a wonderful science or history education, — do understand this. Ask them and they’ll teach you the connection.
Every human being is created in the image of G-d. When we “love” and believe in G-d, we love all of His creations. When we understand we are all one people created by the same G-d, we couldn’t imagine hurting the other person, because it would be like hurting yourself.
Love of G-d is the first thing to teach our children. Caring for others is the second. How?
Stop emphasizing a one sided, morally bankrupt education…educate your entire child
Volunteer to serve others
Visit the ill
Don’t embarrass anyone
Don’t gossip
Smile
Show respect to everyone
Assist others in need, not just financially
The Ten Commandments begin with “I am your G-d” because without the acceptance and deep understanding that morality is derived from G-d, morality – and therefore education – is guided by nothing more than human whim and conscience. That’s frightening.
Our children are fertile souls in our hands, given to us by G-d to nurture and teach. Do you think He’s happy with the job we’ve done?
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Dr Michael Mantell, based in San Diego, provides coaching to business leaders, athletes, individuals and families to reach breakthrough levels of success and significance in their professional and personal lives. Mantell may be contacted via michael.mantell@sdjewishworld.com