By Eva Trieger
LA JOLLA, California — What is one of the best kept secrets of all time? Nope, it’s not the recipe for Famous Amos cookies, nor the formula for Coke Classic. It’s far more prevalent and much less sexy: Domestic Violence. Temple Beth Israel’s Men’s Club and Women’s Group collaborated to sponsor a very important event to make inroads on exposing and eradicating this cultural pariah on Wednesday, October 14th.
Anita Yellin Simons, playwright, shared her own life story about living with domestic violence as a young bride in the late 1960s. With a cast of four actors, reading from the bima, Simon’s life was depicted honestly and painfully as the young woman endured verbal, physical, sexual and emotional abuse from her young, psychologically hampered husband.
The year 1969 was tumultuous for many Americans. We were embroiled in a war we did not understand and one that we were losing. A concert on a farm in upstate New York was about to change the landscape for generations to follow, through music and pharmaceutical envelope pushing. The idea of free love was making inroads beyond the hippies and into mainstream America.
As I watched the play reading unfurl the unhappy story of Linda (Sarah Errington) and Larry Franklin (Ryan Kidd), I found myself sympathizing with so much of the content. This young couple had met shortly after college, lived together a while, and then married. Due to Larry’s job as a salesman and recruiter of sorts, they moved a number of times from California to a series of cities in Ohio. As newlyweds, money was tight and they ended up in a small apartment which lacked many of the conveniences that Linda had grown up with.
Though it appears innocent enough, Larry is unhappy with Linda’s lack of skill in the kitchen, even though she has made him the dish his mother pronounced his favorite. Furthermore, the very way she eats offends him. When her fork clicks against her teeth, he becomes irate and knocks the fork out of her hand, demanding that she change this behavior as she knows it grates on his nerves. She finds his reaction a bit over the top, but writes it off as his being stressed, and more dangerously accepts that she ought to change her own behavior to appease him.
As her family lives in California, she is isolated from them. This is where the story took a turn for the personal for me. I was only a few hours from my family, but my ex-husband refused to have any interaction with them, just as he did not endorse any of my friendships. I knew this behavior was controlling, but I didn’t have the verbiage or experience to call it “abuse” or “domestic violence.” I just chalked it up to his personal quirkiness and the fact that he was nine years my senior. I became largely isolated. We only socialized with his friends, but that also led to arguments wherein he questioned my impropriety with his best buddies. Was I flirting with so and so over dinner? Simons did a great job of illustrating this through her dialogue, and I found myself almost reciting the dialogue with her characters; I knew it so well.
I was never the victim of physical or sexual abuse, and I suspect I would have left had that been the case, but the verbal ridicule, isolationism, and belittling were hallmarks of our eighteen year relationship. I was oblivious to the degree of control my ex exerted upon me but it included monitoring how I dressed, where I drove, and to which radio stations I could listen. And, when I learned I was pregnant, I was told to abort. Again, at the time, I found it all a bit odd, but what wife doesn’t want to keep shalom bayit?
Silence is Not Golden has a much sadder ending than my marriage did, and clearly Simons has gotten the support, love and guidance needed to grow beyond that painful coupling. The character portraying her story, Linda, speaks with a detective (Quincy Williams) who is initially skeptical and rather condescending as he listens to Linda’s litany of abuse since early on in her marriage. Linda herself has been minimizing the horrors, and tells her sole friend, Judie (Hannah Logan), “it was probably my fault” when asked about an assault. Judie tells her, “You deserve only the best and you have to start believing that.”
The tragic and soul bearing play was followed by a brief Q and A with Lieutenant Misty Cedrun who heads up the San Diego Domestic Violence Unit of the San Diego Police Department. This unit is dedicated to serving only those victims of domestic violence and it is the busiest unit in the San Diego Police Department. Lt. Cedrun has been with the unit for 21 years and works 24/7, literally. Such a sad commentary on our society. The important take-aways she wanted us to glean from the evening follow:
- If you see something, say something. Don’t allow a friend/ coworker/employee to have unexplained injuries or demonstrate angst. Ask them, “Are you okay?”
- We need to have zero tolerance for domestic violence. To this end faith based institutions, schools and the corporate world MUST keep their eyes wide open and investigate concerns.
- Never ask an abused man/woman “Why didn’t you leave?” Offer support, a place, money etc.
Simons is dedicated to staging this play everywhere so that the message gets out to all people, in particular to young women who feel isolated, trapped and unable to break out of this pathological cycle.
My own journey has taught me that most people repeat what they’ve learned. They may not be evil or crazed people, but they are molded by their environment. Each of us has the right to live peaceably and without the threat of attack, most assuredly from those who are supposed to have our backs.
Both Simons and Lt. Cedrun are available and eager to speak anywhere in San Diego to get the message out there. If you wish to learn more about the play and the free programs available to San Diegans, contact playwright, Anita Yellin Simons at asimonsays@gmail.com or Lt. Misty Cedrun at the San Diego Family Justice Center 619-533-6000.
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Trieger is a freelance writer specializing in coverage of the arts. She may be contacted via eva.trieger@sdjewishworld.com