By Laurie Baron
MARGATE, New Jersey‒The Republican presidential candidates will meet this weekend to reform the formats and rules of the remaining presidential debates. Based on leaked memos from insiders in their campaigns, here are proposals the six leading candidates will submit:
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Donald Trump: “Switch the program into a reality television show called “The Candidates.” In each show one candidate will be assigned a domestic or external issue to solve. Based on audience ratings, winners will emerge and the losers will be penalized by being forced to debate on C-Span which only low energy viewers watch. The winners will play the president on an episode of House of Cards so Americans can evaluate their performances. It’s pretty obvious who will come on top. I will be huge!”
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Ben Carson: “Eliminate network sponsorship. The candidates should fund the debates by passing a hat among themselves like we do in church and running advertisements for Mannatech. The only rule for the debaters will be the Golden Rule.”
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Marco Rubio: “Unless these debates become fairer and serious, I just won’t show up. After all, the networks are all on Hillary’s side despite her ordering the killings of Americans at Benghazi and stabbing Cuban Americans in the back.”
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Ted Cruz: “Shut the debates down. Refuse to participate until we get to select the moderators and the questions we are asked. But I’m willing to go along with whatever Donald wants.”
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Jeb Bush: “If these debates continue to be as raucous and mean-spirited, then I have better things to do. Just last week, I received an offer to revive the sitcom “Family Ties” with my father, brother, and myself playing the lead roles.”
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Carly Fiorino: “I will purchase a cable network. After I layoff the liberals in their news departments, I’ll outsource the debate to countries that can produce it for the least amount of money. I’ll make the debate process as sound as HP’s profit margin under my direction.”
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. Currently serving as the Ida E. King Distinguished Visiting Professor of Holocaust Studies at the Richard Stockton College in Galloway, New Jersey, he may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.
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