By Laurie Baron
MARGATE, New Jersey‒Things Donald Trump Hasn’t Said Yet But Will Soon
“Really, these black teens, whose parents all love me, are out of control. The criminal ones deserve to get shot by the police or roughed up at my campaign rallies. They even disrupted shopping in downtown Chicago the day after Thanksgiving. Don’t they know Black Friday matters?”
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“I stand by my statement that Mexico has encouraged the worst elements of its population to enter the United States illegally. When I was in Mexico once, I saw a commercial for Taco Bell that urged them to “run for the border.”
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The Jews love me. After all, I’m extremely rich, and they worship wealth. When my daughter married a Jew, she converted. When Chelsea Clinton married a Jew, she remained a shiksa. I have such an amazing memory that I recall that the moment before the Jewish doctor who circumcised took one look at my penis and said it’s huge.”
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“The press is angry at me for mocking a crippled New York Times’ reporter. I didn’t know he was a spaz when I pretended to be him.”
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“I’ve always dated and married beautiful women. Bill Clinton had an affair with that cow Monica, who looked like a dark-haired version of Rosie O’Donnell, because she still was sexier in her little blue dress than that pyramidal Hillary ever has been in her pantsuits. Bill attended my wedding because he wanted a few pointers on how to attract pretty women.”
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. Currently serving as the Ida E. King Distinguished Visiting Professor of Holocaust Studies at the Richard Stockton College in Galloway, New Jersey, he may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.