By Natasha Josefowitz, Ph.D.
LA JOLLA, California –When we think of communication, we assume two or more people talking or writing to each other. Non-verbal communication occurs often unconsciously, sometimes reinforcing what we say, and sometimes belying it; for instance, shouting loudly, “I am not angry,” is an example of non-congruent communication. Up to 80 percent of our communication is non-verbal. We send and receive subliminal messages whenever we are with others.
Already at three months of age, an infant boy when shown a new object will become more active, kicking and gurgling. An infant girl will become quiet, stare intently, and generally have a longer attention span. Baby boys will do more grabbing at toys than girls, and boys are more restless in all cultures. This has to do with the amount of testosterone absorbed in utero: A female fetus receiving testosterone will exhibit the same restless behavior whereas boys will be more passive if getting estrogen. In other words, there is already a form of communication that parents will respond to, either by encouraging activity or thwarting it , depending on both cultural norms, societal expectations, and personal tolerance.
These are all unconscious manifestations of body postures and movement. As children grow, boys tend to play outdoors, make rules, play games that have winners and losers. Girls, on the other hand, tend to prefer to play indoors with a best friend, take turns, talk, tell secrets. Boys are encouraged not to cry. Girls crying elicits sympathy.
How does all this translate into today’s communication patterns? In a Harvard University study, MRIs show that women have 14-16 areas of the brain to evaluate others’ behaviors; men have only four to six areas. Women can read a situation presented to them in a short film accurately 87 percent of the time, while men have only 47 percent accuracy. Women are better able than men to spot the contradictions between someone’s words and their body language.
Women on average can juggle more unrelated topics at one time than men can. Women’s peripheral vision extends to at least 45 degrees on each side, above and below; men’s vision is much poorer. In addition, women have a keen eye for details. In order to care for children, women need to observe non-verbal signals. So what we have called “women’s intuition” is really hard-wired in women’s brains giving them an advantage in picking up cues and clues not easily noticed by men.
While we have little control over our genetic dispositions, we can become more aware of the non-verbal messages we send and receive. To some extent we can control our facial expressions, our postures, and our movements so that what our body’s non-verbal expressions can become a conscious message to others.
What I also find interesting is that our own non-verbal messages to ourselves can have a large impact on our moods and perceptions. According to Dr. Gregory Fricchione of Massachusetts General Hospital, we can consciously affect our moods with our body posture. There is a feedback loop between our brain and our body whereby we can control our emotional states through physical actions. Let’s examine three strategies to create a positive mood, and increase confidence and energy:
- Gait: Walking on a treadmill in a depressed way with shoulders slumped will increase negative thoughts, whereas working out with shoulders back and arms swaying will increase the recall of happy events.
- Posture: Just standing erect for two minutes with legs spread and hands on hips increases levels of testosterone (a hormone connected to dominancy) and decreases levels of cortisol (a stress hormone). Hugging yourself increases levels of oxytocin (the love hormone) and makes you feel better.
- Facial expression: Smiling, even a fake smile, will make the brain believe something good is happening and will lift up your mood.
So pay attention to how you sit, stand, and walk. Become more aware of your facial expressions and body language. You will not only communicate what you intend—you will start believing it yourself. This is particularly important on a first date or if you want to make a specific impression on a recruiter in a job interview, so decide ahead of time what you really wish to convey, and act accordingly.
© Natasha Josefowitz. This article appeared initially in the La Jolla Village News. Josefowitz may be contacted via natasha.josefowitz@sdjewishworld.com. Comments intended for publication in the space below MUST be accompanied by the letter writer’s first and last name and by his/ her city and state of residence (city and country for those outside the United States.)