Make America a Golf Course
By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO─ On his visit to Scotland, Donald Trump could not resist showing off his renovated golf course and claiming that if he can fix a golf course, he can fix the United States. Imagine if a microphone caught him unawares while he was elaborating on his boast after the press conference was over.
“You’ve got to make your golf course exclusive, classy in a socio-economic sense. Build big walls around it and don’t let the riff-raff in. Without walls, you can’t have a golf course. Otherwise, it’s just a well-manicured meadow without my name on it. To be sure, I’ll need Mexicans to do the grounds maintenance, Chinese to launder the towels, napkins, and tablecloths, and supermodels to massage tired golfers at the end of their game.”
“I want to get each golfer teed off so he’ll smack the crap out of the ball. I’ll initially show them footage of protestors disrupting my rallies to get their blood boiling. I want each of them to knock the ball straight down the fairway. That’s why Crooked Hillary will never be allowed on my course. If she played, everybody would be hooking or slicing. Sand traps will be shallow so they don’t become quagmires like Obama’s war against ISIS. If anyone does have trouble getting out of a trap, I’ll sell him the patented Donald Trump Explosive Blaster. Rather than posing an obstacle, bunkers will conceal concrete shelters to protect the golfers from Muslim terrorists. No water hazards; water is for drinking and torture. The greens will be paved with dollar bills. Each will have a hole, but blood won’t be coming out of it if you know what I mean. In my humble opinion, I have the greatest sense of humor!
My golfers don’t have handicaps because I’d mock them if they did. No Caddies either; they’re not luxurious enough. Golf carts will be coal-powered since I want Kentucky and West Virginia to vote for me in the election. The losers who do shoot over par will have a chance to improve their game by enrolling in the Donald Trump Golf Academy and purchasing a set of Donald Trump golf clubs. The proof of how amazing my training techniques are will be evident in their next round because I’ll grant them a Mulligan on every shot.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.