Parenting in Perspective: Timeless Wisdom, Modern Applications by Rabbi Barry Kislowicz, Maggid Books, New Milford, CT, ©20156, ISBN 978-159-264-456-8, p. 171, plus appendices, $22.95
By Fred Reiss, Ed.D.
WINCHESTER, California – How do we learn to be parents? It’s not taught in high school or college; so do we learn by mimicry? Trial by fire? Thrown into the deep end and then it’s sink or swim? Rabbi Barry Kislowicz, who formerly assisted the Cleveland, Ohio, Jewish community and now serves as Head of the Fuchs Mizrachi School, offers sage advice in his book Parenting in Perspective.
Kislowicz firmly holds that parenting is perception—putting the child in the center of family life. But, what does center mean? For Kislowicz, it’s shifting responsibility in a way that allows for the growth and independence of the child: rather than being a “know-it-all” and answering childhood questions directly, he wants parents to respond with a question and permit the child to learn that he or she “plays an active role in making sense of the world.” More importantly, parents must not live their lives through the child, whether it’s criticizing the child for poor sports performance or bar/bat mitzvah preparation. To make his points, Kislowicz creates several fictional, but realistic, families, whom the reader follows through the vicissitudes of life.
Kislowicz sees the work Jean Piaget as the proper perspective for cognitive development and Lawrence Kohlberg and Judaism’s outlook on Torah and mitzvoth for moral growth. He urges parents to refrain from perceiving their children as “mini-adults” and “focus on setting the scene, arranging experiences and adjusting expectations.”
Kislowicz stresses building relationships with one’s children. Childhood is certainly about being taught, but perhaps most importantly, it is about developing an independent existence. Kislowicz urges parents to hone an understanding of their children and then providing the appropriate environment for growth. By way of analogy, he offers the example of a gardener tending to different gardens.
As children grow, they gain surface experiences from the region in which they live as well as enduring faith and moral values from the home, which they learn through parental modelling and relationships. It is at this point that Kislowicz, citing examples, tells how difficult it is to be traditionally Jewish in American society, concluding, “if we are conscience of our deep values, and if we live our commitments and relationships in a way that coincides with our values, it is a good bet that our children will do the same.”
Now what happens when our children misbehave? Kislowicz notes that our first reaction is often, inappropriately, anger, and suggests that parents understand William Glasser’s Choice Theory, which claims that our choices are based solely on what is most satisfying at the time. In essence the parent should be asking, what need is the child trying to satisfy? Kislowicz does not suggest that we meet all our children’s needs, rather by understanding the needs, the parent can develop appropriate intervention strategies.
Kislowicz concludes with a chapter on the teenager, a concept whose roots lie in the 1920s, and their special challenges, such as biology and identity. Here he offers some strategies for coping with and responding to teenager’s “challenging behavior.”
Parenting in Perspective has a decidedly traditional Jewish perspective in thought and example. But this perspective is not so overbearing that it limits the readership. Indeed, just to the contrary; its foundation is built on secular psychology and many of the examples lie outside the domain of religion. Parenting in Perspective is a rewarding read for more than just parents, its insights are valuable for anyone, of any religion, working with children and teenagers.
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Dr. Fred Reiss is a retired public and Hebrew school teacher and administrator. He is the author of The Standard Guide to the Jewish and Civil Calendars; Public Education in Camden, NJ: From Inception to Integration; Ancient Secrets of Creation: Sepher Yetzira, the Book that Started Kabbalah, Revealed; and a fiction book, Reclaiming the Messiah. The author may be contacted via fred.reiss@sdjewishworld.com. Comments intended for publication in the space below MUST be accompanied by the letter writer’s first and last name and by his/ her city and state of residence (city and country for those outside the United States.)