Eulogy by Rabbi Leonard Rosenthal
(Delivered August 8, 2016 at Mount Sinai Cemetery, Los Angeles)
One of the editors of the Book of Proverbs has preserved for us a striking metaphor which conveys to us a profound insight into the purpose of life. He tells us: Ner hashem nishmat adam. The soul of a person is the candle of God. (P 20:2, TB Shabbat 30b) Implicit in this statement is the thought that in each individual, God has implanted a spark of the Divine. And each of us has been given the opportunity (or rather obligation) to tend this spark, to care of it, to fan it into a flame which will light up one’s life, and the lives of those with whom we come into contact.
This concept of Ner Hashem –the candle of the Lord–captures the very essence of the life of Resi Ida Kalmar who brightened the world in which he/she lived for 95 years. The divine spark that glowed within her inspired her to acts of kindness that spoke of both love of God and of fellow human beings.
A candle can be snuffed out, or it can burn out with the passage of time. But a candle can also be used to kindle other candles, and to pass on its flame to others, where its flame will continue to burn after the mother candle itself has been extinguished.
The soul of Resi Kalmar was a Ner Hashem, a candle of the Lord, which lighted the small corner of the world she inhabited. She kindled in the hearts of others, family, friends, fellow congregants, a flame of devotion to ideals, and to the Jewish way of life which will continue to burn through the years.
Resi and two brothers, Heinz and Fritz, were born in Silesia – a place of fluid geography, sometimes Poland, Germany, or Austria. Resi’s upbringing was German, and particularly in view of how some Poles acted during the war, she always preferred to think of herself as coming from Germany.
Resi was a privileged child. Her family was well off. Her parents owned a department store and were well known for helping people in community. They donated money for education and culture, and even gave Karol Wojtilja, the future Pope John Paul II, a scholarship before he went to the Vatican.
Though well off, her parents did not spoil their children. Each of the kids had to take turns doing what the servants did. They learned to take care of themselves and the skills they learned served them well during the war. They even knew how to milk the cows that had been abandoned during the war and were bellowing in pain.
Resi’s parents wanted their children to be educated, and so they hired a young man by the name of Edward Kalmar to be their tutor. Eventually he was to marry Resi; they would become the love of each other’s life.
Edward saw war coming and told Resi’s father to get out, but Berthold said nothing was going to happen to them. Edward was successful talking Berthold into letting Heinz go to Israel with Shomer Ha’tzair. From there he joined the British Army in 1938.
Fritz meanwhile learned to be a mechanic, and that was how he survived war.
Resi & Edward married in 1939. He wanted them to flee Germany but stayed because Resi refused to abandon her parents.
Inevitably, the two were captured and taken to the camps. When they separated Edward said to Resi: “tell them you are a bookkeeper,” which helped save her life. He was electrical engineer and that saved him.
Because Resi was fluent in German she ended up working in Heinrich Himmler’s offices – though she thought she had blown the typing test by misspelling the word “Deutsch.”
Resi used her somewhat privileged position to save other Jewish women by bringing them in as helpers. Later in life she ran into some of them again in Boyle Heights (Los Angeles) where they thanked her for saving their lives.
She hated the movie Life is Beautiful because in reality the camp was so ugly. Most meals, if you got a piece of bread, you had to eat it, or share it. If you saved it someone would steal it. One of people she worked for, an overseer, showed her kindness. She would hold up a newspaper to permit her to view the headlines, and would pass her food to distribute.
Resi also demonstrated extraordinary bravery. At one point, she stepped forward, and asked permission to go to another camp with local villagers. Her husband was there.
Toward the end of the war, her camp was sent on a march. By pure luck, Edward’s camp was marching in the opposite direction. They saw each other and it gave them renewed courage and strength, because each knew the other was alive.
At the end of war Edward ran towards where he thought Resi was. He wanted to save her from Russians.
Given all they had been through, Resi and Edward were in reasonable shape at end of war. They went back to Silesia. Before the war, they had given neighbors some of their possessions to protect. When they returned, however, these same neighbors turned their backs on them.
They started their lives again after the war with nothing. Edward was smart and industrious and worked his way up to high position in Polish government, but being Jewish and not communist, he found himself on a hit list.
He had amassed a lot of Yiddish books, as well as British pounds. He obtained a box car, loaded in his books, and paid some bribes to permit the box car to proceed to Sweden. When they got there however, they learned that the money they had saved was counterfeit. So once again they had to start from nothing.
In Sweden Edward helped to organize Jewish education but although he and Resi stayed for many years, they never felt at home. They felt that they would end up spiritually, if not physically, dead if they remained there.
They came to the United States and once again started over – this time in New York. They stayed with relatives who were wealthy, but who wouldn’t help them financially explaining that if they didn’t earn it themselves, they wouldn’t appreciate it
Finally, the couple moved to in Los Angeles where Edward worked three jobs, among them in a warehouse at Karl’s shoes and as a Hebrew Teacher, where his future daughter-in-law Susan Stern was one of his star students.
Resi continued her education at LA City College, where she studied piano and public speaking even though at the time she barely spoke English.
She also went to work as a teacher’s aide at a school for deaf and blind children where she cared for her charges with endless kindness and patience.
Everything that Resi did after the war she did for her husband and children. Frank and Ernestine (“Ernie”) told me their mother did everything for her children. She was frugal for herself but generous for her kids The family was poor when they were growing up, but they never felt as if they lacked anything. Their mother and father gave them their love and taught them values and helped them learn that the most important gifts in life are not monetary, but spiritual. Frank and Ernie had rich childhood experiences.
Resi and Edward were good models for their children, who grew up with little and appreciate what they have now.
Her family told me that Resi was the most generous person they ever met. She gave away everything. She once was on the television program “Queen for a Day” hoping to win beds for her children. However, she gave away the prize she won to a person who was blind. Later, however, some generous souls sent her beds and a silverware set.
Resi was blessed with a loving family and they were blessed with a beloved matriarch. She treated Frank’s wife Susan and Ernie’s husband, Michael, as if they were her own children. She was adored by her grandchildren: Rachel, Paul and Christina, Evie, Ronit and Paxon, and Dorron. And she was also blessed with two adorable great-grandchildren: Louis and Ethan.
Frank said his mother dealt with a lot of cruel negative people in her lifetime but nevertheless kept positive. “She always saw the bright side of life. She treated other people kindly. One of her favorite sayings was, ‘If you want a friend, be a friend.’”
Resi loved classical music, especially piano, and also loved flowers , stopping to smell them on the way. She had a fondness for birds of paradise, carnations, and kumquat trees.
She also loved water; she spent endless hours in the pool, spa, and the ocean. It was fitting that she was born under the astrological sign Pisces.
Perhaps because she was poor for a portion of her life, she made everything last. She never wanted to throw things away, preferring to recycle. If kids in the cafeteria threw out milk cartons, she fished them out. She rescued unused and wrapped food for distribution at a senior center.
Resi’s grandchildren adored her. When she came to visit her family in Chicago, she brought a giant doll Twelve years ago Resi and Rachel went on memorable trip, backpacking through Eastern Europe. It wasn’t easy for Resi, who then was 83!
In airports, Resi would ride in a wheel chair, telling Rachel: “you are my pusher” and Rachel would hop on back.
In Poland, Resi spoke in Polish with her cousin Yanush. The family treasures videos of Resi speaking in Polish. She also was able to see the apartment in which she lived while growing up. The same furniture was there.
Paul noted that his grandmother spoke nine languages including Esperanto, and believed if everyone spoke Esperanto the world would be peaceful. He also remembered her acute hearing. She heard everything; “ I can hear the grass growing,” she would say. Paul expressed gratitude that his grandmother was able to spend so much time and bond with Louis, her active and smiling great-grandson.
Christina described Resi as “spunky,” and having wit, a sense of humor, and being fun to talk to. “Her stories would spin for hours – fascinating!”
Dorron said he remembered music always being around Resi, classical music especially. She taught her grandchildren an appreciation for music.
When younger she took Dorron to school to meet her students. “Her patience was boundless for kids and their problems; sometimes she came home with bruises and never complained,” Dorron said.
Evie said Resi was a life-long learner, who took classes, and watched educational television. She enjoyed the little things in life. She was a voracious reader but didn’t like fiction. She preferred books on improving the brain, how to improve memory and her mind. She used the internet and the computer, sending emails well into her 90s.
She learned enough that when she was with the mother of her daughter-in-law Susan, she recognized the symptoms of a stroke and made her sit down. She called 911, and saved her life.
Evie. between her medical programs, took a paramedic course and was able to spend time with both grandmothers, a special opportunity for all of them
As Resi grew older, especially after Edward passed away, she developed new interests. Including playing gigs in a harmonica band at the Culver City Senior Center. She played for 15 years before stopping three years ago. She also joined the Yiddish group at the senior center even though she didn’t speak Yiddish.
Resi was refined and soft spoken yet tenacious; she was no push over. She could be stubborn. She insisted on living independently in LA in her apartment, though eventually it became obvious to her family that she needed more care.
Her family insisted that she move up north to be with Ernie and Michael, where she and they appreciated the increased closeness and time they had together.
Eighteen months ago Ernestine & Michael took her to Israel for a family wedding attended by 56 family members. She visited with 51 of them, speaking in German to many.
Since many family members have birthdays close to each other, their tradition is to celebrate birthdays together. In Israel, when they observed this tradition, they had a combination Purim celebration and birthday party together in which Resi wore a holiday costume.
Her family also remembers the trip to Mexico they took together. They visited a tequila factory, where Resi had a cup of Coke & Tequila. Her family tried to stop her from having a second, to which she responded “Don’t tell me what to do!” She ended up giggling for the rest of the tour.
About a year ago, Resi’s family decided that she would be best served and more comfortable here in San Diego, where Frank could make sure she received the best medical care.
Frank said that his sister gave him a fantastic gift. Here in San Diego, Frank saw Resi everyday and called her, went with her to the library, to swimming, to synagogue, and spent time with grandchildren.
Frank and family refused to give up on her even when others thought they should. Two doctors from Kaiser called to try to convince Frank to put her in Hospice but he refused.
Her last year was rich, spending lots of time with her family, coming to synagogue, especially the monthly Shir Chadash (New Song) service in which Christina sang. She was able to spend a lot of time with the family she loved.
Because of the care she received from her children and other members of the family, she lived many more years than she would have otherwise. She enjoyed life to the end, even in the hospital, where she visited with her family as long as she was conscious. Even afterwards she knew that their love was surrounding her.
Last week, her room filled with family – even Ronit made sure to visit. Family never left her side. When some were at a havdalah service, they recorded it and played it for her.
Often in a state of semi-consciousness, she sometimes would wriggle her toes to receive a favorite foot massage, or her shoulders to be massaged there.
At the end, Resi wasn’t conscious, and her family had to let her go.
Recently Evie asked Resi if she ever thought she would live to 95. She answered: “I didn’t think I would make it to 20 – because of the war.”
Resi not only lived, she lived with gusto, prevailing over the pain and evil she experienced.
May her name and memory always be a blessing for all who knew and loved her.
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Rabbi Rosenthal is spiritual leader of Tifereth Israel Synagogue in San Diego. San Diego Jewish World’s eulogy series is sponsored by Marc and Margaret Cohen in memory of Molly Cohen, and by Inland Industries Group LP in memory of long-time San Diego Jewish community leader Marie (Mrs. Gabriel) Berg. Comments intended for publication in the space below MUST be accompanied by the letter writer’s first and last name and by his/ her city and state of residence (city and country for those outside the United States.)