If you’re counting, this is the 250th “Humoring the Headlines” column
By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO─ Donald Trump opened his third campaign office in Israel to court the votes of Israeli Americans. He and Bibi are jointly planning to found a branch of Trump University there where students will be able to major in the following: Building Walls for Profit and Protection; Bookkeeping for Sheldon Adelson’s Donations; Invoking Eminent Domain to Construct Casinos and Settlements; Playing the Race Card in Electoral Poker, and Inciting Violence Against Political Foes.
*
The Donald Trump campaign has appointed a 12-year-old to chair its headquarters in Colorado’s Jefferson County. When queried about the reasoning behind the appointment, Kellyanne Conway conceded that she wanted someone more mature than the candidate himself. In a related story ISIS wondered why the boy wasn’t being trained to be a suicide bomber.
*
The United States won the most medals at the Summer Olympics in Rio. Political commentators concluded that the Olympics are the only appropriate place for crowds to fanatically chant “USA USA.” In another story from the Olympics, Ryan Lochte’s lies about being robbed at gunpoint lost him all his commercial endorsements, but garnered him a booking on the Judge Judy show.
*
Mylan Pharmaceutical Company has raised the cost of the EpiPen used by people with severe allergies from $100 in 2009 to $600 today. The FDA is investigating the matter and has requested that Mylan either lower the price or change the name of the product to the EpicGouge.
*
Insinuations about the state of Hillary Clinton’s health are being made. She has been diagnosed in the right-wing press with brain damage caused by a stroke, congestive heart failure, epilepsy, and syphilis. Conversely, Donald Trump’s doctor says he is astonishingly healthy, but admits he suffers from diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain.
*
Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.