By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — With the approach of the High Holidays and other Yom Tovim, and Chanukah not that far off, it’s not too early to be thinking about gifts for Jewish friends and relatives.
Here are a few suggestions of unique, appropriate gifts:
“ESTHER, Mein Shvester” (my sister). A recently discovered tell-all narrative by Lesther, the hardly known brother of Queen Esther, now available in book form.
Among Lesther’s startling revelations:
— Mom always liked me best.
— Mordecai was no blood relative.
— Esther was a lot older than she looked.
— She always did “whatever it took” to get what she wanted.
And one of the most withering accusations: In an interview conducted by Oprah Khayam, Queen Esther tearfully admitted that she’d lip-synched the song that won her the title in the Miss Persia contest, a victory that led to her being chosen Queen.
PROPHET BOBBLEHEADS – Jeremiah, Isaiah and the other major Hebrew prophets are portrayed by bobblehead dolls as envisioned by creative artists.
A deluxe edition features wind-up capability that enables owners of the bobbleheads to hear some of the prophets’ direst pronouncements. Voices are supplied by such notables as Woody Allen, Mandy Patinkin and Jackie Mason.
FIRST WIVES CLUB—A year’s free membership in a local branch of the recipient’s choosing, including the Vashti Chapter and the Leah Chapter. (The Ivana Chapter does not qualify.) Membership is restricted to women who themselves were first wives of men who later married others.
BEDROOM MECHITZAH – the perfect gift for couples where one or both have trouble controlling their amorous inclinations. It can be easily erected or, upon mutual agreement, dismantled
SHTREIMEL EARMUFFS Buying the right gift for the very observant is often difficult. A practical cold-weather gift for wearers of shtreimels are earmuffs, made of fur or imitation fur matching that of the hat.
SHUL APPS – This gift is intended for those who live too far from a synagogue to walk, and who don’t want to violate the prohibition against driving…or those who simply get shplkas (antsy) sitting through a long service,
These sophisticated apps, installable in Smart phones or similar devices, let users electronically tune-in to Orthodox, Conservative or Reform services while staying at home. A deluxe, interactive feature of some apps enables viewers to take part in the service, say, having an aliyah or other honor.
If enough of these are installed, future conversations might be along the lines of “Which channel are you going to on Yom Kippur?” rather than “Which Shul?”
But that’s a matter for the social scientists to ponder, rather than the gift-givers.
Happy holidays!
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San Diego Jewish World reminds readers who are new to this column that it is all in fun, and nothing above should be taken seriously. Cohen is a freelance writer based in New York. Comments intended for publication in the space below MUST be accompanied by the letter writer’s first and last name and by his/ her city and state of residence (city and country for those outside the United States.)