If presidential candidates repented their sins
By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO─ Between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, Jews ask forgiveness for the sins they have committed against others during the past year. Since Clinton and Trump have Jewish sons-in-laws and Trump has a Jewish daughter, they have decided to observe this tradition.
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Trump: I ask forgiveness for insulting women by judging them by their looks and weight. I admit it is far worse to be an ugly fathead than to be unpleasingly plump.
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Clinton: I ask forgiveness from labeling Bernie’s millennial supporters as idealists who can’t find work and live in their parents’ basements. I haven’t found a job for the last four years either and plan to live in the White House without paying rent for the next four.
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Trump: I ask forgiveness from Hillary Clinton for charging that she was an enabler of her husband’s sexual affairs. After all, I was an enabler of my own sexual affairs.
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Clinton: I ask forgiveness from the American people for jeopardizing their security by using a private email server when I was Secretary of State. Since I admit this was a mistake, it’s time for them to get over it.
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Trump: I ask forgiveness from Mexican illegal immigrants for calling them murderers, drug dealers, and rapists. However, I did qualify by remark by adding some are good people.
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Clinton: I ask forgiveness from my supporters for not disclosing that I had pneumonia before nearly collapsing at the 9/11 Memorial Service. Please understand that the prospect of a Donald Trump presidency sickens me more than any illness.
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Clinton and Trump at Kol Nidre: “All vows we are likely to make, all oaths and pledges we are likely to take between this Yom Kippur and the next Yom Kippur, we publicly renounce.”
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.