The saga of King Schlong
By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO─ Donald Trump recently tweeted: “It is so nice that the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.” Funny, I had never noticed that he had restrained himself during his campaign for president. After reading his tweet, I had a nightmare resembling a classic Hollywood horror movie. It was called King Schlong.
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The GOP, Grand Old Primates, always believed in the rule of the fittest, but lately the alpha males they selected were chimps who couldn’t subdue the super donkey from Kenya who ran circles around them. Then they heard rumors of the giant gorilla who resided in the wild jungle of TV land dominating the other animals living there. Though his paws were small, his appetites, ego, and fur were HUGE.
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17 smaller apes who aspired to be the GOP leader failed to trap him. Conversely, the masses of monkeys kowtowed to him every time he pounded his chest and spewed insults at other species. The problem was that he scared many of the humanoid voters. Consequently, he had to be shackled to convince them that he would not harm them if he were elevated to the position of alpha male. You can pacify a gorilla only so long by feeding him bananas to reward him for tame behavior. What really outraged him was competing against a female humanoid who knew the political terrain better than he did.
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He finally lost his temper and broke out of his chains after viewing clips of him scooping up Faye Ray and Jessica Lang in the hope of doing them schlong. Fleeing from those who sought to cage him again, at least for another month, he scurried up the Trump Tower where a plane flown by the ghost of Amelia Earhart shot him in the place where his heart should have been. As he plummeted from the top of the building, he flailed his huge arms and legs trying to bring down newspapers, personal reputations, and trust in the electoral system. I awoke in a sweat and worried that somewhere in the jungles of TV land or talk radio, there lurks another creature, even more cunning, savage and strong, who will act domesticated until he or she is unfettered. The moral of this story is: All that twitters is not controlled!”
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.