By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO−The Center for Disease Control has issued a health alert for people living in states that voted for Hillary Clinton. Cases of people showing up at hospital emergency rooms and wearing “Deal Me In,” I’m With Her,” “Nasty Woman” and “Run Like a Girl” tee shirts have reached epidemic proportions since Wednesday. The doctors at the CDC have diagnosed these patients with Post-Trumpmatic Stress Disorder. If you have any of the following symptoms, you should see your doctor before January 20, 2017:
When you see a woman dressed in a pantsuit, you start sobbing inconsolably.
You have an urge to contact a lawyer and sue Nate Silver for malpractice.
Your sleep is disrupted by nightmares about Donald Trump winning the election and then you awake and realize they are not dreams.
You go binge eating at Mexican and Middle Eastern Restaurants because you have a premonition they will be closed down in a few months.
You have restless leg syndrome and find yourself involuntarily walking towards demonstrations protesting the election of Donald Trump.
Women patients stock up on birth control pills and devices and donate more than they can afford to Planned Parenthood.
You feel compelled to discard all your Bruce Springsteen albums and purchase ones by Ted Nugent.
You have an uncontrollable urge to give Barack and Michele Obama a hug.
You develop political agoraphobia which limits you to travel only in urban areas.
If you are exhibiting any of these symptoms, immediately turn off your computers, smartphones, radios, and televisions. Exercise your first amendment rights on behalf of causes and programs a Trump Presidency threatens, or get cryogenically frozen for the next four years.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.