By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — The motto on a bumper sticker in an Orthodox Jewish neighborhood in Brooklyn — “Stamp Out Lashon Hara” — seemed like a wonderful idea. Curbing our “evil tongue” — ridding ourselves of the inclination, if not the desire, to gossip about, slander, defame, disparage, ridicule, belittle or simply embarrass another person — was and is certainly a great objective to strive for, but very, very difficult to attain.
In a way, it’s an ideal goal we might think of as the character-building, self- determination equivalent of running a marathon or maybe even of climbing Everest. In any case, it poses a mighty challenge.
Compounding the difficulty is the fact that many people — certainly not you or I — but many people feel better about themselves by putting others down.
“She dresses like she’s 16″… “He’d sell you a bridge if he could get away with it”… “They spoil their kids rotten”…”They eat out every night — and it’s a good thing they do”…”They’re gonna find him buried under all his junk”…”He didn’t get to where he is without pull.”
Sound familiar?
The “sticks and stones” childhood chant that contends “names will never hurt me” is disputed by Jewish law and custom.
And they don’t make attaining the lashon hara-elemination goal any easier. In a libel suit, truth is an absolute defense, but not so with lashon hara. Saying something negative about someone is a no-no, even if what’s said is true. And some authorities believe that a true put-down is even worse than a falsehood because of the difficulty of defense against it. . (Remember William Blake’s “A truth that’s told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent.”?
Adding to the challenge is that even if you’re obviously kidding, a negative comment is taboo.
And a positive comment? Not recommended, if it’s said in the presence of someone who dislikes the person talked about and may provide ammunition for the listener to contradict you and disparage the person you’re talking about..
A seeming compliment — say, “That hundred-dollar contribution you made to that charity was very generous” — could start a listener muttering –“That cheapskate could easily have give many times that amount.”
One year, a devout Catholic college friend of my daughter’s decided to give up gossip for Lent, but asked her priest whether it would be okay to listen to it. No doubt, the priest said no. Certainly, the Jewish take is that listening to improper speech is as bad as uttering it. Gossip harms three victims: the person talked about, the person speaking, and the listener. Some say the worst offender is the listener, because if no one listened,the gossip would do no harm. So one should either object to what’s being said, or simply walk away.
So, despite its obvious worthiness, the goal of stamping out lashon hara can be a tortuous path, and takes as much practice and self-discipline as preparing for the marathon. So maybe take it a day at a time, neither spreading nor listening to gossip for one day, then two days, and so on.
But be warned: if ever that wonderful goal is reached, it might spell the end of conversation as we know it. So the choice is ours. Are we willing to risk living in an environment of near-silence? Then start training now.Or are we okay with the status quo of character-bashing, in person and via social media?
Maybe there’s a happy medium: less lashon hara, but not complete silence. It’s worth a serious shot, don’t you agree?
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Cohen is a freelance writer based in New York City.