By Joel H. Cohen
In tweets to insiders and portions of his prepared Inauguration speech leaked by staff members, Trump said, “Unlike the pathetic way the Obama administration has been marking this amazing Jewish holiday, we’re going to make Chanukah great again.”
He acknowledged that Jared and Ivanka had urged him to curb his enthusiasm, but he insisted that “the great oilmen who made a one -day holiday into eight days deserve a great holiday.”
Accordingly, he’s having a 20-foot-high menorah custom-built, in gold, bearing the Trump name. It will be mounted at the White House in such a way “that it can be seen for miles by everyone. ” Because,” he said, “it will be part of an American landscape, it will have holders for 13 candles, representing the original colonies.
“The environmental kooks will probably complain about all the smoke generated by the gigantic candles, but Rick Perry will be able to deal with those loonies.”
His sons are working out the details of how large the monetary contributions will have to be for wealthy donors to be invited to light a candle. Reminded that they had to rescind a plan to charge enormous amounts for anyone who wanted to go hunting with them, the President-elect said, “This is different.it’s a matter of
of religious liberty, covered in one of the amendments to the Constitution.
“And, speaking of Amendments, if the Macabees (never realized the Irish went back that far). If the Macabees — wonderful people, brave people –if they had rifles, the battle against the bad guys would have been over just like that.”
He said he wants the celebration he’s planning to last for a month, with galas and dinners featuring traditional food. “It’s going to create hundreds of jobs, hundreds, probably thousands: goldsmiths, apple-growers, latke-bakers. Thousands. All Americans, all USA.
“I’m going to ask Rudy or Chris to coordinate the event. They’ll jump at the chance.”
He also said he was asking his legal team to investigate if he could open a few casioos for Chanukah month, n which slot machines and craps tables would be devoted strictly to dreidel symbols and actual dreidels.
Trum said he recently learned what the Hebrew letters (“a wonderful language”) on dreidels meant: “A great miracle happened here.”
“Sure did,” he commented. “I won the election. By a landslide.”
“What a great holiday!”
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San Diego Jewish World reminds readers who are new to this column that it is all in fun, and nothing above should be taken seriously. Cohen is a freelance writer based in New York.
A great satire. Loved it.