By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — President-elect Donald Trump has announced plans to market a Jewish food line under the name “Trump’s Buenos Noshes — Making Jewish Food Great Again.”
Reminding potential critics that,”As President, I don’t have any conflict of interest problems,” Trump said the that the business was a tribute to the Jewish members of his family — “a wonderful, incredible people” — and name was chosen to attract an international audience.
“It hasn’t even been ready for delivery yet, and we already have many thousands of potential customers clamoring to be in on it . Millions.”
The food products, which can be ordered together in a single package or individually, feature “Jewish surf and turf: gefilte fish and chopped liver,” and also offers challah, matzah bits, a brisket the firm jokingly refers to as (T)rump roast” and horseradish.
“Not only Jews — a remarkable people — but everyone will want some of this unbelievable food. I’ll be the greatest caterer ever created,” Trump predicted.
The food includes matzah bits rather than whole matzahs because, bakers, in the Trump tradition of bringing projects in ahead of deadline, did not wait the full 18 minutes exactly required for baking matzah, from the time the water is mixed with the flour until the matzah is completely baked in the oven. The items crumbled, and the marketing division decided to promote them as bits.
Prices have not yet been set, but they will be “significant,” the President-elect said. “After all, this is high-quality stuff.” A planned deluxe package will come in a miniature gold refrigerator engraved with the word “Trump.” He said all the products would be kosher, but when asked whether they might carry OU or K certification, he said, “they’ll have an even more highly respected symbol — a Trump T.”
Claiming the enterprise would result in many more jobs in the United States, he said that scores of fishermen were already scouring waterways in many parts of the world for the finest gefilte fish for the Trump organization. The horseradish is already available in red and white ; now, the Trump research and development department is working on a blue counterpart to fill out the colors of the U.S. flag.
The Trump marketing team would make sure there’ll be chrain in Spain and everywhere in Europe and elsewhere, he said. Although Dr. Ben Carson — “an incredibly fine medical specialist” — has agreed that horseradish has nasal congestion healing powers, Trump insisted that the rumor that the organization planned to sell its horseradish as a pharmaceutical was what he called “totally another example of corrupt media spreading fake news.”
Additional products are being considered, among them chicken soup, matzah balls, and kishka.
“Whatever the menu, Jewish food is absolutely gonna be great again,” Trump declared.
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San Diego Jewish World reminds readers who are new to this column that it is all in fun, and nothing above should be taken seriously. Cohen is a freelance writer based in New York.