Reading Trump’s Mind
By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO−Although many in the “dishonest” media have been appalled by recent remarks made by President Trump, he actually has been trying to restrain himself. Fortunately, a transcript of his mind was leaked to me by an intelligence agency which has a device that can penetrate the densest of materials. Here’s what it revealed:
*
After advising Benjamin Netanyahu to “hold off on settlements a bit,” Trump added he was “looking at two-state and one-state solutions.” He was thinking, “Annex the damn territories already so it’s a moot point. Jared will mollify the Palestinians by financing casinos there.”
*
Trump denied that any members of his campaign staff had contacts with the Russians before the election. He was thinking, “At least when I asked them, all of them replied “nyet” before offering me a snack of beluga caviar.”
*
When a Hasidic reporter asked Trump what he would do about the uptick in anti-Semitic incidents in the United States, Trump assured him that he was “the least anti-Semitic person that you’ve seen in your entire life” and felt insulted by the question. He was thinking, “Sit down beanie boy! If you don’t shut up, I have friends in the alt-right who will silence you.”
*
Trump insisted that his administration is running like a “fine-tuned machine.” He was thinking, “I wonder if these fabricators of fake news have ever seen a Rube Goldberg machine.”
*
Trump pledged to treat the DACA dreamers with heart. He was thinking, “Dreamers rhymes with schemers. I’ll educate them by forcing them to read my playbook The ICE Man Cometh.”
*
Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.