By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — President Trump has completed the intensive behavior-modification course of the Jewish C.H.A.R.M School — an intervention institute dedicated to teaching Courtesy, Humility and Rage-Management to at-risk clients.
The confidential, on-site organization, comprised of rabbis and Jewish psychologists and sociologists, uses Jewish writings (such as Pirkei Avot –the Ethics of Our Fathers — the Prophets, the Haggadah and, of course, the Ten Commandments — “you shall not bear false witness…”),as well as secular works, to help people in crisis.
According to unnamed White House sources, the President had been urged by family members and close advisers to enroll after several instances they found disturbing:
— He insulted an obviously Orthodox Jewish reporter, who’d framed a question about anti-Semitism by assuring the President that neither Trump nor anyone close was considered anti-Semitic. In his angry response, President Trump seemed to deliberately ignore the introduction, and verbally assaulted the questioner.
— He hinted that re-instituting the resettlement of Japanese-Americans might be worth considering. “Remember Pearl Harbor,” he declared.
— Perhaps the crowning blow was his reaction when an infant cried at a Trump rally. The President called the “so-called” baby “a pathetic loser,” “part of a left-wing conspiracy.” He had the baby expelled after mocking its cries (Boo-hoo, crybaby”) and declaring that infants would no longer be allowed at his rallies. He commented, “That’s the kind of people who should be deported.”
The C.H.A.R.M. School relies heavily on Jewish teachings, among them: “Who is wise? He who learns from everyone”…”Who is rich? He who is content with his lot”… “What does the Lord require of you? Only to do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with thy G-d.”
There are also secular mantras, which Mr. Trump was instructed to Tweet or recite a hundred times each: “A free press is vital to a democracy”…”A shirtless, ruthless dictator who compliments me is still a dictator.” ..”Alternative facts are falsehoods”… “Making up numbers on purpose is lying”… “So-called judges are real judges, worthy of respect”…”Nicknames can hurt”…”Not everything less than complimentary is fake news”…”Not everyone who disagrees with me is the enemy.”
As he repeatedly recited these slogans, recordings of applause and cheers were played, with Kellyanne Conway, Sean Spicer and Stephen Miller constantly complimenting the President, with “They love you”…”Wonderful speech”… “Making America great again.”
Part of the curriculum, at the White House and Mar-a-Lago, involved dancing the hora, in an ever-widening circle that symbolized inviting and welcoming more and more participants.
At the same time, the tough-love sensitivity training required the President not to watch Fox TV for the duration of the course, and to watch a CD on which Pinocchio’s nose gets bigger as he lies and his pants actually do catch on fire. And, because psychologists felt that the President’s hands either intensified or even triggered his rage, to keep them behind his back for 30 minutes at a time.The one drawback was that he wasn’t able to clap to the popular Mexican music played for long periods.
Whenever he finds his anger building up, he was advised to sing or hum Zemiros, soothing Jewish songs and melodies, especially popular around the table on Shabbos or holidays
The institute generally recommends that patrons get a military-style crew cut for uniformity and discipline, but that requirement was waived for the President.
Did the course have its desired effect? Here’s the President’s verdict:
“I’ll be honest with you. I was a little reluctant at first. After all, I know more than these guys do about Judaism and psychology. But I did it for the American people, and I’m glad I did; the instructors are great people. Incredible. They’ll tell you I’m the best client they ever had. Ever.
“Yes, I’m glad I did it. Now more than ever, I’m exceptionally polite, amazingly modest, and, no matter what the corrupt media has to say, the most cool and collected person you’ll ever have the pleasure of meeting…Greater than ever. More charming than ever.”
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San Diego Jewish World reminds readers who are new to this column that it is all in fun, and nothing above should be taken seriously. Cohen is a freelance writer based in New York.