By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — President Trump, channeling Samson, has concluded that his own hair — “along with my inborn smarts and great deal-making ability” — is a main source of his strength. And, remembering that the Biblical champion lost his physical power when Delilah conspired to have his hair shaved off, the President will no longer have haircuts — “certainly not by a woman barber.”
The startling decision, first leaked by White House sources, then confirmed by the President in tweets, came about after Trump became deeply interested in Biblical figures. In one tweet, he wrote: “Samson — a real judge, not a so-called one — was an incredible warrior, until Delilah victimized him. Sad.” In another; “Marvelous victories, with just the jawbone of an ass. Dishonest media will have a field day with that line. Who cares?”
President Trump’s interest in Samson developed after reading such works as “The Bible in Minutes,” “Old Testament Quickie” and “The Bible for Readers on the Run” (as well as comic-book takes on the accounts). The President commented, “I’m too intelligent to have to read every boring word. I get the idea in seconds.”
Asked about reports that Trump had Kellyanne Conway read the stories to him, Press Secretary Sean Spicer told a questioner, “That’s something you’d have to ask the President about. But one thing is sure: he’s a great multiple-tasker, who can read even while tweeting.”
Spicer acknowledged that the President had found other Bible favorites: namely Moses, Jacob, Joseph and Solomon. In tweets, Trump commented: “Slo Mo, a miracle man, took a long time to get there, but had millions of followers”… “Lyin’ Jake, a great, really great wrestler, who’d say anything to get what he wanted”…”Daddy’s boy Joe, a terrific example of a true outsider becoming an incredible leader”…”Smarty Pants Sol, the Trump of his time, brilliant, great builder with lots of wives and lots of money.”
But as much as he admired these four Biblical figures, his favorite by far is “He-man Sam,” Samson, which is why he’s eliminating haircuts.
While the President won’t be visiting a barber any time soon, the question of whether he’ll continue visiting his colorist is unresolved. “You’ll have to ask the President that one,” Spicer said. “But one thing for certain: not until the colorist passes extreme vetting.”
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San Diego Jewish World reminds readers who are new to this column that it is all in fun, and nothing above should be taken seriously. Cohen is a freelance writer based in New York.