By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK –Apparently frustrated with the inaction of what he called “pathetic, so-called Congress” on the wall he wants built between the United States and Mexico, President Trump has hired a Jewish fund-raising firm to conduct the drive for contributions to pay for it.
Press secretary Sean Spicer said at a White House briefing that the President, “in his latest burst of creative-financing inspiration,” has contracted with the Let My People Glow organization to mount a campaign to fund the wall.
“Incredibly smart men and women,” the President tweeted. “Great at making money.”
B.S. Norris, Let My People Glow CEO, said: “We’re incredibly honored that President Trump has selected us to conduct the fund-raising campaign for the Wall.”
The firm, with offices in major cities throughout the nation, has a successful track record raising construction and other funds for synagogues, Jewish community centers, United Jewish Appeals, federations, yeshivas, and more.
As expected, many of the same approaches successful in these projects will be used in the campaign for the wall.
“We plan an all-out effort, including radio and TV spots, billboards, and, of course, personal solicitations,” Norris said.
There will also be breakfasts, at which contributions will be announced. A souvenir program at the inauguration of the Wall will list contributors. And major, six-figure contributors, will be eligible for a drawing for stays at Mar-a-Lago. A movie of refugees trying to enter the country illegally will be shown at the Wall.
Spicer said “Age-old, successful Jewish techniques of fund-raising, will encourage ordinary millionaires and other citizens and corporations to make voluntary contributions to build the Wall.”
Norris said the campaign would appeal to prospective contributors’ competitiveness, pride, peoplehood, patriotism, nationalism, and even shame.
For instance, for those who feel they haven’t adequately honored their parents, there is a campaign slogan: “Gilt trumps guilt,” a reference to the golden part of the wall. (There will also be silver and bronze sections’) The exact materials comprising the wall are yet to be determined.
Amounts required for a given contribution will depend on how high on the wall and near what U.S. city the contributor’s message will be located. Messages will be in English, plus any language the contributor chooses – Hebrew, Yiddish, Russians, Spanish, or Arabic, etc.
Spicer said “Even people who live south of the border are welcome to contribute their messages, of course only on the side of the Wall facing Mexico.”
In response to a reporter’s question about previously announced strategy to fund the Wall, Spicer said: “Our weak Congress has dragged their feet on laying out money for the Wall, so our resourceful President has sought alternative means. Son-in-law Jared Kushner suggested looking toward Jewish fund-raisers, “who have had incredible success with seemingly impossible causes.”
Norris said he wanted to be among the first to contribute, and was planning a $250,000 memorial to his parents, Yussel and Yentl Norriskeit.
On Fox News, President Trump declared: “It will be an incredibly great Wall. Don’t tell President Xi, but it will be greater than the Great Wall of China.”
He predicted contributions would “far exceed” the undisclosed budget for the Wall. As to what could legally be done with the overage, say, be used for his reelection campaign, he was consulting experts.
Asked by a reporter about the possibility there would be gun turrets on the Wall and, if so, whether they could be dedicated, Spicer said, “I don’t want to get ahead of that,” and turned to another questioner.
The Let My People Glow firm has a data base listing virtually every American family, with pledge cards at the ready.
So get out your checkbooks, maybe have tea and a Danish ready, expect a knock at the door, and lean back and enjoy the experience. It’s inevitable.
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San Diego Jewish World assures readers who are new to freelance writer Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns that they are satirical and should not be taken seriously.