By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — Ever since our patriarch Abraham dispatched a servant to find a wife for his son Isaac, arranged marriages have been a staple of Jewish life.
(Isaac’s son Jacob did it on his own, and got two wives for just the price of 14 years of labor).
From Biblical times through fictional Yente the Matchmaker in Fiddler on the Roof, to such real-life, modern online services as J-date, shadchans (professional matchmakers or marriage brokers) have arranged shidduchims (matches of singles with the goal of marriage.).
While they’re mainly found in such Orthodox communities as Brooklyn, NY, and Lakewood, NJ, everyone across the observance spectrum can be and often is helped to find a suitable mate by outsiders. And shadchan – not shotgun—weddings are well represented.
To help the matching along, at least one matchmaker hosts a monthly Shabbos dinner for selected eligible singles. And at their hotel in Staten Island, NY, non-Jewish owners have provided a room in the lobby, visible to passersby, as an okay spot for Orthodox couples to date.
Because some applicants will take liberties with the truth about themselves, exaggerating the positives and glossing over the personal liabilities, there have even been advisories on what information an applicant may or may not omit.
Yet the operative rule is that there’s somebody for everybody. Remember Yente’s proclamation: “With the way she looks and the way he sees, they’re a perfect match.”
Centuries of experience and tradition have shown that a good match is most likely to be formed between people with similar education backgrounds, religious beliefs and political and ethical outlooks, attitudes about family money, charity, etc.[
Still, there are disappointments. And, especially with amateurs who learn that the seemingly ideal couple they brought together has split, there’s considerable guilt, notwithstanding the “don’t blame the messenger” refrain..
But professionals proudly proclaim a very successful track record. The husband of a Brooklyn shadchan reported how his wife had enjoyed numerous successful couplings. While she never asks for a fee, almost without exception the satisfied clients will give her a gift. Only one of her matches ended in divorce — there hadn’t been a gift. Draw your own conclusion.
But the optimism of matchmakers, pros and amateurs, runs high. Depending on age and gender, who hasn’t heard some well-meaning someone exclaim: “Have I got a girl – or boy –for you!”
Some believe that great matches are made in heaven. One that was made nearby — in the sky — involved a young woman and young man from Florida who were attending the same college in New England, but did not know each other.
Their respective grandparents, friends in Florida, suggested that their grandchildren look up and possibly hook up with one another. But the students had a natural, universal reaction: anyone recommended by an older relative was not likely to become a soul mate, maybe not even a pleasant date. So they did not follow up on the suggestion.
But on one holiday break, they were heading home and met by chance, either waiting to board the same plane or on it. They had a delightful conversation, found they liked one another very much, began dating and eventually married. Many years later, they are contentedly together, the parents of two grown sons.
Even without a shadchan, many would consider their relationship beshert, destined.
I think I do. Do you?
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Cohen is a freelance writer based in New York City. He may be contacted via joel.cohen@sdjewishworld.com