By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO-As if we didn’t know already, President Trump has not learned to speak like a president whether he is demanding North Korea to relinquish its nuke or initially denouncing the violence fomented by white supremacists in Charlottesville. His inability to say the right thing reminds me of the plotline of My Fair Lady. Perhaps General Kelly can be Trump’s Henry Higgins in a new musical entitled My Blare Trumpeter.
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Opening scene: Generals Kelly, Mattis, and McMaster are listening to President Doolittle threaten North Korea with fire and fury if it doesn’t stop trying to arm ICBMs with nuclear warheads. Kelly turns to McMaster and sings:
Kelly:
H.R. Listen to him, just an uncouth troller.
Enflaming Kim Jong Un with solar.
By law he should be schooled or impeached
For every protocol that he has breached.
McMaster:
He needs vocabulary
That isn’t so very scary.
With fewer course invectives.
He might be more effective.
For his use of derogation
Shows a lack of education.
Or just a lack of tact
That’s not fake news, it’s a fact.
Kelly makes a bet with McMaster that he could teach Doolittle how to be more diplomatic if he were the Chief of Staff. He gets his chance when the newly appointed director of communications gets fired for the expletives he employs to ridicule his rivals. Finally, Kelly has his chance. And he begins the arduous task of teaching Doolittle how to be more presidential.
Poor General Kelly!
Poor General Kelly!
Night and day
He tries to moderate.
Before it is too late.
He wished he had a cannon
To ward off Steven Bannon.
Knowing it would be a feat
If Doolittle ceased to tweet.
(to the tune of The Rain in Spain)
Kelly: Please be more calm, to spare our friends in Guam.
Doolittle: I have no qualms, to use atomic bombs.
Kelly: He hasn’t got it. He hasn’t got it.
Do consider to stop using twitter.
Doolittle: I get results, with my caustic insults.
Kelly: He hasn’t got it. He hasn’t got it.
You’ve got to say, you hate the KKK.
Doolittle: But the white race is crucial to my base.
Kelly: He hasn’t got it. He hasn’t got it.
Racists are evil, hate causes upheaval.
Doolittle: (choking on the words, but finally gets them out). Racists are evil; hate causes upheaval.
Kelly: I think he’s got it. I think he’s got it.
Doolittle sulks and picks up his smartphone to tweet: Sorry, my white nationalist supporters. Kelly forced me to say this even though I still blame both sides. Sad!
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.