By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO−As Hurricane Irma headed toward Florida, President Trump convened a cabinet meeting, but nothing was released about what was discussed. Russia obtained a transcript and handed it over to Wikileaks for publication. Here’s what we know.
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Cabinet members spent the first thirty minutes of the meeting praising Trump as the best hurricane-fighting President the world has ever seen and dubbed him “a super Stormtrooper.” They also expressed profound gratitude that they hadn’t been fired yet.
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Trump noted that there would be a lot of media coverage of Irma and wondered whom he should pardon during it. He demanded hourly updates about conditions at Mar-a-Lago and his other Florida properties and ordered the White House Counsel to inform anyone who had cancelled their reservations that there are no refunds for weather related cancellations.
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The new director of FEMA Brock Long reported on his agency’s relief efforts in Florida. Trump was impressed and asked Long how FEMA managed to dispatch so many of its agents to Texas and Florida and still run its concentration camps.
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Trump appointed Jared Kushner Hurricane Honcho to figure out why so many hurricanes are able to sneak into the United States from the Gulf of Mexico and quickly develop a plan to prevent Hurricane Jose from making landfall on American soil.
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Ivanka requisitioned Melania alligator-skin pants, an Izod blouse, and pontoon shoes to wear in Florida when the President and she survey the damage caused by Irma. The President plans to squeeze in a round of golf with Chuck and Nancy at Mar-a-Lago after his tour and wants Mitch and Paul to know that he didn’t invite them.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.