Humoring the headlines: October 4, 2017

By Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO−In a world where there are alternative facts, there is alternative history.  It is December 21, 1941.  The United States is reeling from the Japanese bombing of Pearl Harbor.  President Donald Trump has waited two weeks to visit the bombed naval base to bolster the morale of the sailors.   Here are some of his comments.

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“This was bad, very bad!  Not as bad as the press reported, but bad.  Banzai Boy Hirohito killed 2,400 people.  We’ve done a great job in the aftermath caring for the wounded and burying the bodies. I’ve ordered the removal of the hulk of the USS Arizona.  I don’t like the optics of leaving it there.  It makes us look like losers.

 

The good news is that we suffered far fewer casualties at the hands of the Japanese than the Chinese have endured.  Now those are real war crimes!

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We expected this attack, but it was hard to defend against.  After all, Hawaii is in the middle of an ocean and too close to Japan.  You’re lucky the fleet was stationed here.  They’ll be lots of jobs for you when we rebuild.  Pretty place, prime property, great weather.  When this is all over, this place has real promise for tourism.

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I don’t know if you heard but Hitler declared war on the United States.  I’ve got to think about whether we should reciprocate.  I’ve consulted with Charles Lindbergh about this.  After all, Germans are white Europeans.  On the other hand, so are my friends the Russians.  But if Germany wants to break its nonaggression pact, that’s its national prerogative.

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In case you’ve been having trouble finding food, the navy has picked lots of pineapples.  Let me toss out a bunch to you.  That’s safer and more dignified than throwing out coconuts.

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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.

 

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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.