‘Just Kidding’: Trump to name Gefilte as national fish

By Joel H. Cohen

NEW YORK — President Trump, introduced to gefilte fish only recently, likes it so much he wants to make it the official U.S. fish.

He said he was planning an executive order “to make gefilte fish our national fish.”

Declaring “It can be enjoyed so many different ways,” he offered as examples, “sweetened or unsweetened, hot or cold, with or without a carrot slice on top. Remarkable.”

The president had his first exposure to the Jewish appetizer when his daughter Ivanka had it served at a meal this past Rosh Hashanah.

“I’ll be honest with you,” he said. “When it was first served to me, I was put off by the look of the jelly surrounding it. Disgusting, really disgusting. But once I bravely dug in, it was better than any fish I ever had.”

Since that occasion, he has managed to have some gefilte fish every day.

“Gefilte fish tastes marvelous, truly marvelous; it’s not only a brain food, but “gefilte” is a Jewish word for “filtered,” meaning all bad items are filtered out, so it’s healthy.

“And one advantage that’s not so well-known.  After she had her first taste – I will tell you, she tried it not happily – “Melania began to act a little…frisky. If you get my drift.”

The president is now having gefilte fish served at state dinners, and is making it available at Mar-a-lago as featured “catch of the day.” He’s also urging U.S. ambassadors to other nations to bring supplies of the fish with them to serve when they entertain dignitaries of those countries.

Trump acknowledged he was concerned that “failing foreign fishermen” might raid waters favored by schools of gefilte fish, and thus make them an endangered species. So he’s alerted the U.S Navy and the U.S. Coast Guard to be extra alert to that danger.

As for himself, he declared: “Frankly, I’m a champion fisherman, and I can’t wait to battle any killer gefilte fish, no matter how big, even if it’s 400 pounds and 20 or more feet long.” He also intends to sponsor contests for fishermen, to determine who can land the largest gefilte fish.

He commented that some states had designated official fish, and that in a recent year a “so-called congressman” had introduced a bill to make the striped bass the national fish.  “But, as far as I know, that bill went nowhere.”

Several newspaper reporters and TV correspondents pointed out the fact that gefilte fish [which actually means “stuffed fish,” is made from a poached mixture of ground deboned fish, such as carp, whitefish, mullet or pike, sometime perch or even salmon, plus other ingredients). Thus it was not a singular species of fish but an amalgamation. The president said the assertion was one more “dramatic instance of fake news disseminated by corrupt media.”

“If Obama had named an official fish, the dishonest press would have been cheering like mad.”

At a White House press briefing this week, reporters got past such issues as North Korea and health care, to ask about the important one: “Which horseradish does President Trump prefer with his gefilte fish, red or white?”

“Let’s not get ahead of the president, Press Secretary Susan Huckabee Sanders said . “You’ll find out soon eough.”

Meanwhile, in a series of tweets, Trump boasted about his elevation of gefilte fish to national prominence:  “It will take its place alongside the bald eagle and the buffalo bison, as national symbols. So not only the sky and land, but also the sea, will have a symbol to be proud of.”

As for the national symbol in the sky, according to unconfirmed reports, he had seriously considered appointing the Early Bird. Seriously.

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San Diego Jewish World assures readers who are new to freelance writer Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns that they are satirical and should not be taken seriously.