By Joel H Cohen
NEW YORK –Have you ever wondered what a Bible figure’s press briefing would have been like? Well, here’s the recently discovered transcript of one given by King David’s press secretary, Ezekiel (Zeke).
Publications represented included the Negev News, Gaza Gazette and Tiber Times. Reporters: Eli, Dan, Avi, and Nate.
Zeke: Shalom. Welcome, all. First, a short opening statement:
Lately, there’s been a lot of unwarranted press bashing of King David, based on fake news reports and just plain malice. I hope this briefing, our first in many months, will clear the air.
Now, your questions.
Avi: The recent incidents of violence have led to increasing calls for stricter background checks of purchasers of slingshots and stones at weapons shows. What’s the king’s reaction?
Zeke: His majesty has often said, “Slingshots don’t kill people; people kill people.”
He feels that closer vetting of sling purchasers is the first step down a slippery slope. “First they’ll take away our slingshots, then swords and spears, and the average law-abiding citizen won’t be able to protect himself. Owning a slingshot is a basic civil right.”
Avi: Has the slingshot lobby played a part in the resistance to more stringent controls?
Zeke: We know of no such lobby. Besides, the king has a very warm spot in his heart for slingshots…for obvious reasons.
Nate: We understand that King David has been spending countless hours writing poetry.
Zeke: He’s given up golf and tennis, chess and cards – because of concern that people were letting him win because he’s the king. So he’s been writing spiritual poems, which soon will be published, and which I believe will be a popular read long into the future.
Nate: Hasn’t he also been writing material under assumed names?
For instance, an homage to Noah called “Into Each Life Some Rain Must Fall (But Too Much is Falling in Mine)”? And “Ain’t Misbehavin’” as a tribute to many Biblical figures?
Zeke: I haven’t had a chance to discuss specific titles with him. But it is true that he’s written material under aliases because he didn’t want material accepted for publication, again, just because he’s the king. But his identity was known on the spiritual poems, so he relented.
ELI: Besides his poetry he’s skilled in various areas, isn’t that so?
Zeke: True. He plays the lyre (that’s l..y..r..e, not l..i..a..r) beautifully. He once even soothed King Saul with a recital. He’s also a great shepherd, great speaker and brave warrior. We’re fortunate to have him as our monarch.
Avi: Is roof-sunbathing another pastime?
Zeke: Needing down time, he relaxes that way and does some of his best thinking.
Avi: Wasn’t that his first notice of Bathsheba?
Zeke: Not true at all. After her husband, Uriah the Hittite, died in battle, the king went to comfort the mourners, as he always does. His condolences were much appreciated by the widow. Bathsheba, and it inspired a very warm relationship, one made in heaven.
Dan: Didn’t he know her before?
Zeke: What do you mean, ”know?” Next.
Nate: Did the king send Uriah off to war and possible death.
Zeke: “That’s outrageous and absurd. Uriah was a brave soldier who volunteered to go to the front. Unfortunately, he gave his life.
Avi: As we all know, the king kept up a lifelong friendship with Jonathan, King Saul’s son. But with others, he had a lot of animosity. Are the reports he sought anger management help true?
Zeke: An outright lie from the left-leaning crooked media. It’s the others who need anger management.
A great sage said “It’s good to be king,” but it’s not all raisins and almonds. King David has often been under attack, in threat of his life…and has endured so much adversity, even from his son Absalom because he favors his son Solomon as his future successor. Yet his faith is unshakeable, which is what the press should be concentrating on…not rigged news, like the old, discredited stories some of you have dredged up.
Thank you, all. We’ll have another briefing soon…in a few months.
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San Diego Jewish World assures readers who are new to freelance writer Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns that they are satirical and should not be taken seriously.