By Laurie Baron
January
Trump still disputes the findings of American intelligence agencies that Russia hacked the Hillary Clinton campaign: “I know a lot about hacking. And hacking is a very hard thing to prove. So it could be somebody else. And I also know things that other people don’t know, and so they cannot be sure of the situation.” Translation: “I know a lot about hacks since I’ve already chosen them to be my advisors and cabinet members. It could have been Hillary Clinton looking for an excuse for why she would lose the election big league. Hacking is very hard to prove like Obama’s claim that he was born in Hawaii. And I know a lot of things that other people don’t know, like what’s on my tax returns, and how much money I owe Russian banks.”
February
When a Hasidic reporter asked Trump what he would do about the uptick in anti-Semitic incidents in the United States, Trump assured him that he was “the least anti-Semitic person that you’ve seen in your entire life” and felt insulted by the question. He was thinking, “Sit down beanie boy! If you don’t shut up, I have friends in the alt-right who will silence you.”
March
On the same day President Trump signed an executive order removing the clean air regulations on the burning of coal, Congress passed legislation permitting Internet Service Providers to sell the browsing history of their customers. Now there are no restrictions on mining coal and personal data.
April
Before the Seder begins, Donald Trump demands that he get to play Pharaoh based on his record of building large structures and dominating his subordinates. Ivanka and Jared advise him to be Moses so he can lead the forgotten people out of bondage, but Trump refuses and orders an FBI investigation of Moses as the ringleader of the Jewish Lives Matter movement. The candles resting in a gilded pair of candlesticks purchased from Ivanka’s line of Judaica are kindled. The blessing over the first glass of Trump wine is poured into silver chalices that have been recycled from the silver spoons the Trump children had in their mouths when they were born. Tiffany is given the honor of reciting the four questions because she has recently learned to read. Hearing “why is this night different from all others,” Donald blurts out “because we’re celebrating in the White House and this Seder is being funded by the government.” When he hears the question about why Jews are commanded to eat unleavened bread on this night, Donald wonders if Taco bowls count as unleavened bread. Mention of the bitter herbs prompts Donald to answer “to remember the defeat of my health care bill and the judicial rulings against my travel bans.” Why do we dip twice? Donald retorts, “Because every illegal alien voted twice for Hillary.” Finally, he likes the question about reclining because he always has expected the women he dated to recline with him after meals.
May
Douse the Fire: (tune: Light My Fire)
You know this probe has to stop.
You know you should have been more loyal.
I’ll claim I saved the FBI.
Comey, you’ve become my foil.
Comey, baby, you’ve been fired.
Comey, baby, you’ve been fired.
Long before your term’s expired.
The time to lift the cloud is now.
The fake news distorts my branding.
Only I can fix this mess
It’s you, not me, who’s been grandstanding.
Comey, baby, you’ve been fired.
Comey, baby, you’ve been fired.
I’ll intimate that you were wired!
You know that I appoint the best.
You’re not the man I would have hired.
Flynn would have been a better choice.
Integrity is not required.
Comey, baby, you’ve been fired.
Comey, baby, you’ve been fired.
June
Today is the 73rd anniversary of the Allied assault on the Normandy beaches. If Donald Trump had been President in 1944, US troops would have been dispatched to defend America’s east, west, and Gulf coasts to guarantee the security of its beach resorts.
July
Donald Trump shocked the press by delivering a political speech at the National Boy Scouts Jamboree. When he was off camera, he engaged in some locker room talk with the scouts telling them, “When you’re an Eagle Scout, you can do anything. You can grab a Girl Scout by her cookies. They let you do it, and, if you wait around, they’ll give you S’mores.”
August
Buoyed by his power to override the judicial system when he pardoned Sheriff Joe Arpaio, Donald Trump is considering pardoning James Alex Field Jr., the neo-Nazi who plowed his car into a crowd to protesters in Charlottesville killing one of them. He’s a fine person, but a bad driver. After all, they were standing in the middle of the street.
September
At a rally in Alabama, President Trump urged owners of NFL teams to fire players who refuse to stand when the Star Spangled Banner is played. Next he disinvited the Golden State Warriors from visiting the White House because Steph Curry refused to attend. Oakland A’s catcher Bruce Maxwell responded by becoming the first major league baseball player to take a knee during the national anthem. Enraged over the lack of patriotism displayed by these professional athletes, Trump is considering issuing an executive order making NASCAR the national pastime of the United States.
October
Harvey Weinstein has been fired from the Weinstein Company for years of flagrant sexual abuse and harassment of attractive actresses. When asked by his colleagues, “What were you thinking?” He replied, “I was planning to run for President and wanted to pad my résumé.”
November
Since it’s the Holiday season, I’m willing to give President Trump a second chance to honor the Navajo Code Talkers rather than offend them by calling Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas,” but when I imagine what he’d probably say, I fear he’d bungle it again.
President Trump: “Though I make a point to never utter the words ‘I’m sorry,’ I have asked you back again to this powwow to assure you that I consider you American war heroes (and you weren’t captured like some other so-called war heroes) and that I respect you and your fellow redskins because as you can see, I’m a redskin too. We have so much in common. We own casinos. Next to gold, my favorite color is Navajo white. You have chiefs, and, I am the commander and chief. We both wear headdresses. I feel flattered that in the past you would have treasured my scalp. When I mentioned “Pocahontas,” it was my way of putting my “War-ren paint on,” if you get my drift. Actually, I greatly admire Sacajawea who helped guide Lewis and Clark to all the places the United States would annex to fulfill its manifest destiny. She was such a fine squaw, and I’d never grab her with my paw! You see I can be quite poetic when I try. While you are here, I wanted to learn more about your code. You used smoke signals, didn’t you? You fooled the Japanese who are my economic enemies too. I might enlist you braves again to send encrypted messages to Chief Hacking Putin. Think of today’s meeting as my attempt to break an arrow and smoke a peace pipe with your tribe in the tradition of Andrew Jackson. I promise I won’t ever take away your reservations and medals. I’m no Indian giver!
December
Twas Hanukkah eve, and in the White House,
Donald Trump was tweeting, preparing to grouse.
Insults of Bob Mueller were sent with great ire
To warn him that one day he could be fired.
The President fumed about his buddy Flynn
Treated so poorly for his lying sin.
Hillary should be sitting in prison.
And the Kenyan too, he said with derision.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
He waddled from bed to see what was the matter.
Outside were protesters holding up signs.
He dismissed them all as antifa swine.
He tried to forget the Russian scandals
To help Jared and Ivanka kindle the candles.
Recalling how once Jews had beaten a king
To restore their Temple and remove pagan bling.
After all, he had done much the same
For draining the swamp, why no acclaim?
“All the fake news does is to mock us
And imply that I am today’s Antiochus?
Damn Maddow, And Colbert, Bill Maher, and Tapper,
Damn Schumer, and Nancy, and Warren I’d slap her.
Praise Hannity, Fox News, and Limbaugh, and Breitbart.
The alternative facts are what they impart.
Neither gays nor liberals had been invited.
The blessings were uttered; the candles were lighted.
But Trump kept a promise he made at the convention.
So afterwards only Christmas was mentioned.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.