Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D.
SAN DIEGO — Here’s a wonderful poem I recently came across by David Leonhardt, a writer who writes about friendship.
Choose friends wisely, the portrait they paint
Is who you are and who you ain’t.
Friendship is life’s great support
When friends are of the right sort.
For all your dreams do they make room,
Or bring you down with doom and gloom?
You will know a friendship is true
When it brings out the best in you.
It’s true. You can tell a person by the company he or she keeps. Our friendships not only tell a lot about who we are – in many ways they actually make us who we are. The ancient rabbis had a very clear understanding that one’s peers create an environment in which the self develops. In the Mishnah, we find advice on the importance of selecting one’s friends: “Come and learn which is the straight [right] path to which a person should adhere? A good friend.” (Avot 2:13).
Likewise, “Distance oneself from a bad neighbor, and do not befriend an evil person” (Avot 1:7). This notion of “peer pressure” reflects the notion that our friends influence our perceptions, choices, and actions, either consciously or otherwise–and that it is important to choose friends not simply by who we are, but by who we would like to be.
The friendship poem above says it all. You will know a friendship is true when it brings out the best in you. Husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, friends of all sorts, bring out the best in each other. When you can’t be who you are, or your “friend” doesn’t allow or encourage you to be who you are or want to be, it’s time to reconsider that friendship.
In a recent issue of the Harvard Gazette, an article reported on the well-known “Harvard Study of Adult Development” in which scientists began tracking the health of 268 Harvard sophomores, beginning in 1938. That’s right. 1938. This study is one of the world’s longest studies of adult life.
“The surprising finding is that our relationships and how happy we are in our relationships has a powerful influence on our health,” said Robert Waldinger, director of the study, a psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital and a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. “Taking care of your body is important, but tending to your relationships is a form of self-care too. That, I think, is the revelation.” Indeed it is. You gotta have friends and authentic ones at that.
Take a look at your friends. Do they help you cultivate the best in you? That might seem like a silly question. We all tend to think, “Of course they bring out the best in me. I wouldn’t be their friend with them otherwise.”
But stop and think why you are friends. Here are a few common reasons why people become friends:
* Common background, sharing a comfort level in company from “the same side of the tracks”.
* Common current situation, being able to discuss parenting, home renovations, or some other major life circumstance.
* Common interest, such as cards, bowling, hunting, etc.
* For shy people, a person who actually approached you is a candidate for friendship.
* For leaders, somebody who seems content to follow is a likely candidate. Somebody you spend time with anyway, such as a colleague, sibling, etc, often becomes a friend.
* Somebody you see frequently anyway, such as a neighbor, store clerk, etc, could become a friend.
These are just a few reasons people choose friends. It is the easy, natural way, but it is not always in our best interest. Sure, we would be wise to always want to get along with colleagues, neighbors, siblings, and anybody else.
But we would be wise to choose our friends, the people we open up to, very carefully. For instance, even a sibling or spouse can bring you down, pooh-pooh your dreams and load you up with negativity. “Ha! You think you can do X? What do you know about X – you are such an idiot?”
Even well-meaning friends can be dream-slashers. “Oh, do you really think you should go into business for yourself? I mean, what about your family’s security?” On the other hand, some friends have a way of building up your dreams. “Go for it! You could really do well. And at worst, you’ll at least have given it your best shot!” Friends will often lend a hand. “Gee, I don’t know much about fitness, but is there any way I can help you reach your goal?” Dream-slashers usually don’t. “Hey, if you insist on pursuing this crazy scheme, leave me out of it.”
Ecclesiastes wrote, “Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow; but woe to him that is alone when he falls, for he has not another to help him up” (4:9-10).
As the friendship poem says, a true friendship is best when it:
* Encourages you to live your dream.
* Supports you toward your goals.
* Sympathizes for your losses and help you find a silver lining.
* Builds your self-esteem.
If happiness and life-satisfaction are your goals, you would be wise to choose your friends on the basis of how well they can accomplish those four goals.
Rabbi Shraga Simmons writes the following story about friendship. At the time of the Roman Empire, two Jewish boys had grown up together in Israel and become very close friends. After awhile, they moved far apart – one living under Roman control, and the other living under Syrian control. Yet they remained very close friends.
One time, when the fellow from Rome was visiting in Syria, someone falsely accused him of being a spy. So they brought him to the Syrian Emperor, and he was sentenced to death.
As he was being led out to be executed, they asked if he had any last requests. “Please, let me go back to Rome to settle my affairs and say goodbye to my family. Then I’ll come back and you can execute me.”
The Emperor laughed. “Are you crazy? What guarantee do I have that you’ll come back?”
The Jew said, “I have a friend here in Syria who will stand in for me. He’ll be my guarantor. If I don’t come back, you can kill him instead.”
The Emperor was intrigued. “This I’ve got to see. Okay, bring your friend.”
The Syrian Jew was called in. Sure enough, he agreed to take his friend’s place in prison, and be killed instead if the friend did not return.
The Emperor was so startled by this arrangement that he agreed to let the Roman Jew go. “I’ll give you 60 days. If you’re not back by the dawn of the 60th day, your friend is dead.”
The Roman Jew raced back to say goodbye and put his affairs in order. After a hectic time and a lot of tears, he started back in plenty of time before the 60 days were up. But those were the days of sailing galleys, and sometimes you could sit for days waiting for the right wind to come. As luck would have it, there was no wind for several days, the sailboat was delayed, and by the time the Roman Jew arrived in Syria, dawn of the 60th day was breaking.
As agreed, the jailors took the Syrian Jew out for execution.
In those days, an execution was a gala affair. Early in the morning the crowds began to gather. Finally, as they were just about to perform the execution, the Roman Jew came running in. “Wait! I’m back. Don’t kill him!”
But the Syrian Jew protested: “You can’t kill him. He came too late. I’m the guarantor. You’ve got to kill me instead!”
Each friend was equally adamant. “Kill me!” “No, kill me instead!” The executioner didn’t know what to do. The crowd was in an uproar!
Finally, the Emperor was called. In wonder and amazement, he turned to the two of them and said, “I’ll let both of you go free on one condition. That you make me your third friend!”
Happiness is a personal choice that comes from within. But, as the friendship poem says, it sure doesn’t hurt to have supportive friendships that help us achieve our goals.
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Dr. Michael Mantell, based in San Diego, provides cognitive transformational behavior coaching to business leaders, athletes, individuals and families to reach breakthrough levels of success and meaning in their professional and personal lives. He has authored four books, including his newest, The Link is What You Think. Mantell may be contactedvia michael.mantell@sdjewishworld.com