By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK– Kvelling over the success of what he termed his “unbelievably wonderful” seders last year, President Trump is planning another “very special” celebration this year, combining elements of the 2017 events with new ones.
The seders, “tributes to my Jewish relatives, staff members and so many Jewish friends, will make Passover even greater than I made it in 2017.”
They will take place at Mar-a-Lago, with hefty admission prices, and an additional fee for those participating in its ceremonial aspects. How many seder nights are celebrated will depend on turnout, the president tweeted. “It could be a weeklong celebration.”
There will be gallons of wine and grape juice (Trump doesn’t drink alcoholic beverages) and enough unleavened bread to satisfy even the most committed matzah-kist.
As expected, the president is planning some changes in the traditional haggadah. For instance, “Why is this night different from all others” has once again been reworded to ask “Why is this administration different from all others” This gives President Trump the opportunity to boast about what he considers his major accomplishments.
Trump had some comments about the history of Passover. “Hate to say this about Moses, a lovely guy – you couldn’t find anyone lovelier – but Moses was a terrible deal-maker, and his spokesman, Aaron, was no better. All they had to do was to keep reminding Pharaoh – who incidentally was a very strong, popular head of state, probably had high poll numbers– that the Hebrew slaves were undocumented immigrants, and Pharaoh would have immediately and gladly deported them.”
Then, in another tweet: “As for Moses as a leader, even though there wasn’t a GPS available, it surely didn’t require forty years of aimlessly wandering around…It wouldn’t have been necessary to split the Red Sea…and if I’d been leading them, they certainly would have ended up in a place where there was oil.”
“Dayenu” will come in for some Trumpeting, too. According to unnamed sources, new lyrics include: “if I had only imposed a tariff on steel….and not on aluminum…only fired James Comey and Rex Tillerson, and not appointed Mike Pompeo…only made the stock market zoom to all-time highs…and not created more jobs than any other president …. DAYENU.”
The Four Sons portion will again be changed to “Four Children,” according to Sarah Huckabee Sanders, “because no one has more respect for women than President Trump.” Accordingly, Kelllyanne Conway and Sanders will read the sections relating to two of the children. It’s unknown which readers would recite particular parts of the wise, rebellious or simple child, or “the one who doesn’t know how to ask.”
”Probably Jeff Sessions, if he is still Attorney General at the time of the seders,” sources said.
The classic “Chad Gadya” will again be sung by Trump children, and will center on great real estate deals, beginning with “A depressed building my father bought for 2 million dollars,” and go on from there.
A pre-seder matzah ball hunt (ala the Easter egg hunt) was scrapped because rival factions in the White House couldn’t agree on whether the matzah balls used should be hard or soft.
The “corrupt media” has not been invited to attend, Trump tweeted, but commented that he again welcomes Breitbart and Fox News organizations, which have reserved tables.
As to the finale of the celebrations, it’s unclear whether the president will be echoing the hope eternal expressed at seders, or answering a question about the expected location of a new Trump hotel.
“Next year in Jerusalem,” he said.
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Readers who are new to freelance writer Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are advised that they are satirical and should not be taken seriously.