By Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D.
SAN DIEGO — Who says our children are nervous?
Just because our youngsters may have anxiety about school shootings, separating from parents, are fearful of animals or blood or heights, have panic attacks, can’t stop touching things or thinking about things, are painfully shy, are terrified of speaking in public, or freeze up on tests, why should we think our kids are nervous?
Why? Because these, and many other indicators, are genuine signs of disturbing anxiety. Moreover, these are all unnecessarily bothersome to a child’s well being and children with anxiety can be helped. Anxiety disorders are the most commonly occurring type of emotional distress seen in children today.
The fact is that most anxiety disorders in children continue into their teen and adult years. While some nervous habits may fade only to return when a child is faced with a particularly stressful situation, generally, without proper help, nervous kids do make nervous adults.
What is emotion? What is nervousness or anxiety? The accepted view in traditional mental health arenas is that emotion is a kind of independent force that comes from the depths of a child’s inner world and over which he or she has no control. But that’s traditional thinking. Let’s look at something far more contemporary – Torah thinking.
Psychology based on Torah principles suggests something very different. In fact, contemporary “cognitive” coaching or therapy is based on what Jewish sages have been teaching for centuries. We believe that emotions are the byproducts of thoughts and actions, not uncontrollable independent forces. Further, we believe that emotions such as anxiety and nervousness result from very understandable and logical ways a child thinks about his or her world and life’s experiences. The action of thinking causes an emotion to arise. The specific emotion, anxiety or depression or hostility, is based on the type of thinking the child engages in. Based on this way of thinking, we believe that emotions can be controlled. The link is what you think.
Thus, helping children with both health and unhealthy negative emotions, including the range of anxiety, nervousness, worry, concern and insecurity, is grounded in a simple formula: an external event is followed by an internal interpretation that produces an emotional response. What we have to do is slow down this process to allow the child to gain control of it and thereby control his/her emotional response by catching his/her thoughts, challenging those thoughts and changing those thoughts. This educational process can be easily taught to most youngsters and teens. And the Haggadah is a perfect book to teach that in very direct ways.
Using slow, deep breathing, and then focusing on positive realistic information and interpretations rather than negative, unrealistic information and interpretations that increase nervousness, will lead to a decrease in these emotions in most children (and adults). The goal is to help the child calmly stop misfocusing on certain types of information that leads to his or concern, worry, fear or anxiety.
There is another aspect that is important in helping children reduce these worrisome emotions. It is what I call the “fourth element.” The first is the external event. The second is the person’s beliefs about the event. The third is the outcome.
Most people believe “A leads to B” without concerning themselves with the middle element, what the child believes about the event.
There is a fourth element. No matter what we believe, no matter what we do, sometimes things just don’t turn out the way we would like them to. Why? Because we recognize that G-d enters into picture. In other words, we act and G-d decides which path our lives will take. What’s been called the Protestant work ethic, “Work hard and you will succeed,” leaves out this fourth element. “Work hard and you will succeed – if G-d decides that you will succeed.”
Is this too much to teach a child? Of course not. For most children, understanding that he/she has a direct relationship with G-d who plays a loving role in his or life can be, and is, very reassuring. But first, the parent needs to fully believe this.
In a few short days, we’ll be celebrating Passover. Retelling the epic story provides a wonderful opportunity for all to reconnect with G-d, and to see that nothing ever happens TO us, but rather FOR us. When children come to understand this particularly through the eyes of their parents, when youngsters are trained to see the good in life, there leaves little room for worry. Happy Passover to all.
Dr. Michael R. Mantell, based in San Diego, provides cognitive transformational behavior coaching to business leaders, athletes, individuals and families to reach breakthrough levels of success and meaning in their professional and personal lives. He has authored four books, including his newest, The Link is What You Think. Mantell may be contacted via michael.mantell@sdjewishworld.com
Good advice to follow!