Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D.
SAN DIEGO — I was recently in Beverly Hills. All right, I thought that might be the problem. But when I had the same experience in La Mesa, well, I thought something’s really wrong with what I was seeing.
In both cases, I was following a beautiful SUV’s, one a Lincoln and the other a Cadillac. It was just turning evening so I could see through the rear windows and what did I see? I saw DVD screens playing movies. One was showing a cartoon, while the other was showing a movie I couldn’t quite make out.
And in the back seats of these two SUV’s were youngsters completely engrossed in whatever it was they were watching. I am sure the father driving one of these SUV’s and the parents in the other were “in heaven” enjoying the quiet, peaceful trip to wherever it was they were going.
At first, I thought nothing of this and then I felt suddenly saddened. Imagine two families driving to an errand, going home from shopping or on the way to visit family or friends and missing the opportunity to COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER.
I mean do these children really need to watch more cartoons, movies, television shows – even in the car? Do these parents have nothing to learn about their children by listening to them? Don’t these youngsters deserve the opportunity to learn something from their parents by talking with them? What in the world has become of parents and children communicating with each other? Is no place protected anymore from the clearly demonstrated negative effects on children of movies, cartoons and television? Do parents really understand the message they send children by putting them in the back seat of a car/SUV and shoving a DVD at them to keep them quiet?
These are haunting questions, or should be. Of course I know what it’s like to have screaming children in the back seat of an automobile when you are trying to concentrate on driving. And I do understand the ego fix that goes with being able to tell your friends you have the “best DVD player” in your car. But let’s not blend these two issues. At least let’s not blend them if you want to improve your parent-child relationship.
In study after study of parent child communications, one thing is clear. Parents are not as well equipped or as comfortable as they could be in communicating with their youngsters. Interviewers asked teens about the reasons for not talking to parents about things that really matter to them. Some of the common answers given by teens were: “They don’t really listen” and “They don’t really understand so it doesn’t really help.” Therefore, we parents need to take the lead and meet the communication challenge. We need to do it right before they can be expected to “get it right.” Parents are as addicted to their own smartphones as their teens are. And that leaves little if any healthy opportunity for communication. Substance is being replaced by superficialiaty.
Shoving a DVD at them in the car only says, “I don’t want to communicate with you…it’s easier to avoid you…you watching a movie while we drive is better than talking with each other.”
Sure hugging children is one of the most important thing parents can do to validate them and make them feel connected. But what should parents do after they have hugged them? Listening and talking is the second key to the physical, psychological, and spiritual growth of the child. Communication, if done the right way, is another way of reaching out and touching a child. DVD’s in the back seat have no serious place in this equation, unless perhaps on a long, long trip. And even then, ever hear of the license plate game?
To improve your communication skills with your children and save yourself some money on having to buy a DVD for your car/SUV, ask the following two key questions:
- Why does my child have a difficult time in talking with me about what’s going on his/her life?
- How comfortable am I in initiating conversation with him/her on such sensitive (or delicate) subjects?
If you feel that your child really doesn’t listen to you, add one more question to your list and that is, “What am I doing that my child doesn’t listen to me?” Even if you think that the fault lies in the child, it is better to look for an explanation in your own behavior. Whatever answers you can come up with, acknowledge them to your child. This may impress on your child that you are acting in good faith and you have credentials to back it up.
Hear your child out. We often interrupt our children too soon. It’s a basic rule of engagement. Hear your children’s viewpoint even when it is difficult to hear and the impulse to correct them is difficult to resist. Let them finish speaking before you respond.
A significant number of teens complain that their parents are “too busy,” “don’t have time” or “aren’t there when I want to say something.” Be available to your children when they are most likely to talk. Stop whatever you’re doing and listen. Never postpone the conversation. When a kid has spoken, that is the right time.
Learn about their interests such as their favorite music, movies and activities, even if you don’t agree with them because they are great talking points for teens.
Soften your reactions even if you strongly disagree or disapprove of what your children are saying. Otherwise, they may decide to never truly say what’s on their mind. Kids, like adults, have a tendency to tune people out if they sound angry or defensive. Express your opinion without putting down theirs.
If you want to initiate a conversation, do it by sharing your own thinking about an issue rather than beginning with a question. An abrupt question often serves as a warning, “Why you asking me? What did I do?” In a conversation, focus on your children’s feelings rather than on your own.
After you hear them out, repeat what you heard them say to make sure you heard it right. Before you react one way or the other, a question such as this would be great: “How can I help you with this?” Sometime, kids want advice, other times they just want to express how they’re feeling.
Here are some examples of things parents can say to their children to help open the lines of communication:
“I’d like to hear about it.”
“Tell me more about that.”
“Shoot. I’m listening.”
“I understand.”
“What do you think about …”
“Would you like to talk about it?”
“Is there anything else you’d like to talk about?”
“That’s interesting.”
“Wow!”
“I’m interested.”
“Explain that to me.”
And what should you avoid? Here’s my list – take a deep breath and GO: nagging and lecturing, interrupting, criticizing feelings, dwelling on the past, using sarcasm, telling children how to solve their problems, controlling children with guilt, putting children down, using threats, lying, and denying children’s feelings.
In an excellent book published in way back in ancient times, 1980, but still quite useful by Faber and Mazlish, “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk,” the authors suggest the following four tactics to help parents speak with their children about feelings, thus avoiding many arguments:
- Listen with full attention – this does not mean half listening, watching television, or trying to write something while your child is talking to you, it means eye contact, and paying full attention to what your child is saying. This type of attention will send the message to your child that what they have to say is important. This alone, may help your child feel listened to, and more importantly, HEARD! Beats the DVD too.
- Acknowledge their feelings with words. When your child is talking refrain from questioning, and just acknowledge what they are saying with a word or two – “Oh, I see”. “It is hard for a child to think clearly when someone is questioning, blaming, or advising.” Simple words “coupled with a caring attitude, are invitations to a child to explore her own thoughts and feelings, and possibly come up with her own solutions.”
- Give the feeling a name – instead of denying the feeling. “When we urge a child to push a bad feeling away – however kindly – the child only seems to get more upset. The child who hears the words for what he is experiencing is deeply comforted. Someone has acknowledged his inner experience.”
- Give a child his wishes in fantasy – instead of explanation and logic. “When children want something they can not have, adults usually respond with logical explanations of why they can’t have it. Often the harder we explain, the harder they protest. Sometimes just having someone understand how much you want something makes reality easier to bear.”
Effective, open communication takes a lot of hard work and practice. We need to remember that we will not be perfect. We all make mistakes. What is important is that we make the effort to effectively communicate with our children starting when our children are very young, EVEN IN THE CAR. The result will be a much closer, positive relationship between our children and ourselves.
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Dr Michael Mantell, based in San Diego, provides coaching to business leaders, athletes, individuals and families to reach breakthrough levels of success and significance in their professional and personal lives. Mantell may be contacted via michael.mantell@sdjewishworld.com