By Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D.
SAN DIEGO — Someone once said that a well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without making him/herself nervous. What’s the secret? Mental health experts claim it’s resilience.
Personal elasticity if you will. Flexibility of the psyche, a springy attitude, a pliable outlook. Whatever you call it, it comes down to a bouncy, supple mindset. This ability to recover quickly is certainly not easy to attain, yet many successful people do.
The late Senator Hubert Humphrey barely lost the 1968 US presidential election after trailing in the polls months earlier by a large margin. It was one of his toughest battles and no doubt, a heartbreaking loss.
Some years later Humphrey wrote, “To come as close as we finally did to winning the highest office in America and then to lose was hard. But in writing my concession speech, I told myself, “This has to be done right because it is the opening of your next campaign!”
He understood that successful people are not afraid to fail. Achievers have the ability to accept failure and continue on, planning for their next success.
William James once said, “Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.”
We don’t have to look anywhere other than Abraham in our own tradition however, to understand true resilience. Abraham faced every “test” posed to him. He continually adjusted, moved forward and did what needed to be done in pure faith that nothing ever happens “to” you but rather “for” you. He went where the paths of his life led.
The 13th century medieval Jewish scholar Rabbi Moses ben Nahman oberved, “All trials in the Torah are for the good of the one who is being tried.” Not that pain is good — true faith doesn’t celebrate misery. Resilient people learn from and grow from every challenge in life.
In the words of the Jerusalem Talmud, “Why do you scorn suffering?”(Peah 8:9). Look at the patriarchs and the matriarchs in the Torah. They dealt with pain and, with resilience, grew stronger, wiser, more insightful, more understanding and became better people. Life happened for them, not to them.
In an interview in the San Francisco Examiner, (June 22, 1986), one of America’s leading chief executives, Lee Iacocca of Chrysler Corporation, said, “Most people are looking for security, a nice, safe prosperous future. And there’s’ nothing wrong with that. It’s called the American Dream.” On the other hand, the American Nightmare is the fear of failure. A most nasty complex.
Iacocca went on, “Fear of failure brings fear of taking risks….and you’re never going to get what you want out of life without taking some risks. Remember, everything worthwhile carries the risk of failure.”
Along these lines, John Barrymore, the famed actor, once observed, “You can only be as good as you dare to be bad.” He rightly points out that so many people believe that if at first you don’t succeed, the dysfunctional thing to do is to destroy all the evidence that showed you tried. Imagine the poor guy who lists on his resume, “Designer of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.” While dentists’ mistakes are pulled, doctors’ mistakes are buried, and lawyers’ mistakes are shut away in prison, like most people, yours and mine are out there for the world to see.
So what can we do to develop the ability to better handle our failure angst…our fear of failure…and rebound with élan?
First, we must understand that successful people believe deeply that failure is a natural part of progressive living, that you never really lose until you quit. Successful people learn from their failure, never make excuses, exploit their failure so as not to waste it, and never, ever, use their failure as an excuse for not trying again.
Rubbery perspective, resilience, can be taught…and you can learn it. If you want to keep your gremlins at bay, if you want to stop worrying and letting fear of failure taint your chances of success, you be wise to learn this resilience. Resilience is the psychological mechanism that keeps people going and allows them to thrive instead of just surviving, so pay attention.
The building blocks of resilience consist of three components: a) “I have” b) “I am” and c) “I can.”
“I have” means you have support around you such that you have the ability to trust the world and people in it. Successful people are able to let people get close to them without fear of harm. They have mentors whom they respect, and in whom they have confidence. By trusting others to help, successful people avoid feeling sad, angry, and vulnerable in the face of impending failure.
“I am” means you have encouragement in developing the inner strengths of confidence, self-esteem and responsibility. Successful people, free of the inner fears of failure, believe themselves to be autonomous, independent, and free to make their own decisions including decisions that are mistakes.
“I can” means you have acquired the interpersonal and problem-solving skills to take action. Successful people are free of the psychological blocks that get in the way of developing initiative. They are able to work diligently at a task free of negative thinking.
Developing resilience depends on many factors including:
A sense of hope and trust in the world
The ability to tolerate pain and distressing emotions
Interpreting experiences in a new light
Having a meaningful support system
Having a mastery and sense of control over your destiny
Having a good self-image and self-respect
Being insightful and having the capacity to learn
Having a wide range of interests and a great sense of humor
Researchers in this field find three major domains that influence the development of resilience in children:
Resilient children possess an easy temperament. These children appear to elicit positive responses form adults in their environment.
The family climate of resilient children is warm, affectionate, filled with emotional support, and has clear-cut and reasonable structure and limits.
So, if you feel that you’ve hit a wall, are losing momentum, and just can’t bounce back, perhaps it’s a lack of resilient mindset, a set of limiting beliefs, that’s the problem. Look back at Abraham. It’s normal to lose momentum once in awhile, but like a good rubber ball that bounces back at nearly the same speed it hits the wall, with resilience, you too can turn your setbacks into triumph, your stumbling blocks into stepping stones and continue growing forward.
*
Dr Michael Mantell, based in San Diego, provides coaching to business leaders, athletes, individuals and families to reach breakthrough levels of success and significance in their professional and personal lives. Mantell may be contacted via michael.mantell@sdjewishworld.com
*