By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — A consortium of Jewish women is developing a Jewish-oriented device along the lines of Alexa and other electronic gadgets that respond to and fulfill the user’s spoken requests to play music, read the news, give weather reports, order food, shop on line, and much more.
The Jewish device is called Shanda (“shame,” as in “it’s a shame you didn’t have this sooner.”).
Several other names were suggested, but rejected for various reasons: Balabusta (“homemaker,”) didn’t make the cut because some members of the development board were concerned that the name might be accidentally or even deliberately mispronounced.) …Kurve (slut) because it literally gave the device a bad name…Bubbe (grandmother), because the developers want the item to attract young users…Yenta (gossip), because it was considered uncomplimentary, even though Shanda’s capabilities include sharing neighborhood and Shul gossip.
The device offers a combination of secular and religion-connected information. So, among other request responses, Shanda will tell Jewish jokes, help kids with their Hebrew-school homework, announce candle-lighting time and starting times of Shul services and when Shabbos begins and ends in a given week, share news and rumors about neighbors and fellow congregants, nag husbands and others to complete household tasks, and even offer rabbinical sermons on the week’s Torah portion. Likely to be a very popular element of the Shanda service is singing Jewish lullabies, such as “Rozhinkes Mit Mandlen” (“Raisins and Almonds.”)
While performing many of the tasks that Alexsa and other similar devices now on the market do, the device will also play requests for Jewish and Hebrew popular songs and liturgical music, and tell Bible stories.
Shanda, who will suggest Jewish insults on demand, will speak in English, but will also be available with a Yiddish accent, at no additional charge.
Among future services being planned for Shanda are Shidduch (matchmaking) information, recipes for cholent and other Jewish favorites, Catskill reminiscences, help with college applications, coming store sales, Jewish superstitions — and the latest Mah Jongg hands.
One feature likely to be very popular offers double-meaning, basically truthful, but not hurtful, responses to give when shown a photo of a not-so-cute baby, or when told a not-so-amusing anecdote, by the baby’s beaming grandparent. Among suggested comments: “He’s gonna break a lot of hearts.” “Look at those fingers; she’s bound to have a career as a concert pianist,” “He’s definitely got your eyes.”
Among other features in a projected special edition, Shanda will give fashion advice (“You’re really wearing that with that?”)…provide the desired answer to “Who’s the fairest in the land?”…and even, when the user is feeling low, will offer her own tale of woe to comfort the user that “things could be a lot worse.”
The device, whose purchasers will have the option of whether it includes lashon hara or not, is being readied for Fall 2018 distribution. At first it will be available only online at Shanda.com.
The president of the planning group said the device is “just the answer” for the multi-tasking, often-overworked Jewish housewife, as well as men, boys and girls.She recommends ordering early because of expected tremendous demand.
A promotion sub-commttee is working on a plan to enable sisterhoods and other organizations to use the device as a fundraiser.
To pass up this “wonderful opportunity,” the group’s president said, “would be…well, a shanda.”
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Readers who are new to freelance writer Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are advised that they are satirical and should not be taken seriously.